Saturday, July 4, 2009

Ferguson Takes one for the Team: Platoon of the Dead

Ferguson Takes One For The Team Presents: Platoon of the Dead

Holy shit!
Written and directed by The John Bowker Experience.
J.R. Bookwalter gets an Exec. Producer Credit and well, I guess once you’ve seen the movie then that’s really no surprise. This flick is distributed by our righteous friends at Tempe Video.

Dude, where do I begin with this cock-knocking masterpiece…

Grown men run around the back woods of BFN Oregon with Star Wars toy blasters (no, really I should know, I bought one for my kid last year, same damn thing except my kids’ makes a cooler sound) and shoot CGI ‘Lasers’ at what may or may not be zombies, they are just people with white makeup on their faces, so maybe the world is just being overrun with pale goths. They probably got mad that Twilight ruined the Vampire so they rose up and conquered the human race. Before the deaths begins, I will be the first to announce that I am indeed a Goth sympathizer, please start this Robert Smith induced massacre elsewhere because I will infiltrate and turn over any resistance forces oh great depressed ones.

Back to the movie, three ballsy Marines (in nice new army fatigues) get ambushed in the woods and find a house with three chicks and then the lusty hot pale Oregon orgy begins! No, I jest, there is no whoopee here, only a longhaired metal head lieutenant and some kick ass zombie mayhem in a house with some Jesus mural door beads! When we are introduced to the first of the three ‘marines’, I think his name was private Vagina or something like that, well anyway Vagina tries to radio the other members of his platoon over what is actually an old turned off cell phone HELD UPSIDE DOWN, damn those budget cuts to our military. When will those meat weasels learn!? Oh, the humanity!

The Metal Head Lieutenant (played by one Chris Keown) is the shit, and I am dead serious about that, I loved this guy! Unfortunately this appears to be his only film credit to date, here’s to hoping that he keeps rocking the B-movie shaft madness. The last of the three Marines is some smartass southern sounding comic relief guy called Sergeant Shirtless Wonder or something like that. It’s the simple fact that all of his chauvinist comments are totally unfunny which actually makes them pretty damn laughable, it’s like watching a clubfoot try to skateboard… everybody wins!

As for our hot chicks, well one can’t talk, one’s just kinda there for no reason, and the other one’s actually a demon, so truth be told Private Vagina’s odds of getting laid are looking almost as good as boot camp. There is however, a cornucopia of freckles. It’s a fact that you have to put cheese on your burger, right? It makes it infinitely better, well same rules apply to freckles on cleavage! Perhaps that’s why I am so attracted to Carrot Top, I’ll have to read up in my copy of Sylvia Browne’s Animals on the Other Side about why that is, but rest assured that it most definitely is. Did you also happen to know that apparently demonic bitches go apeshit over their pot roasts? Well they do, so don’t try putting any of that chick’s deli platter in your mouth without asking first. Speaking of which, let’s now discuss the more important aspect of this or any other movie: The Nudity.

Nudity, ha! Dream on perverts, that’s just another thing they couldn’t afford, but in their defense, nobody wants to see any of these people naked… well, maybe just a little bit. Shirtless Wonder does spend a good deal of time near the end, well, shirtless and tied up courtesy of our demon bitch who now has some Playstation code scribbled on her face, something like up, up, circle, triangle, square, etc. I think it might be some unlockable secret to the Sims, but I’m not sure, again I will have to consult my copy of Sylvia Browne’s Tools for Life DVD on that one.

These zombies evaporate after being shot with a toy blaster ‘laser’ and dear lord, when cut, they actually bleed peanut butter. Take a lesson from Private Vagina and lieutenant Metal Head if you want to get laid, you bleed legume! Shirtless Wonder even takes the time to chop a zombie up in the tool shed and gets peanut butter spunk squirted all over his Burt Reynolds-esque chest. He’s all hairy and covered in peanut butter, you know like your mom. Bam!

I don’t know how this movie can be so bad and make me enjoy the hell out of it as much as I did. So, in the end Shirtless gets de-cocked, Metal Head goes out in a Bon Jovi-esque-perfect-mane-of-hair blaze of glory, and finally Vagina gets to ride in a sweet new mini van and wins the war by littering and throwing his toy blaster out onto the side of the road.

There is not a single line spoken throughout the entire film that is natural or even sounds like it isn’t read by a beauty pageant contestant, but that is exactly what this movies’ allure is all about. It’s bad; in fact it’s really bad. Full on Craptacular, but somehow that’s what’s so damn entertaining. I think a lot of it had to do with nostalgia for me. This movie harkened back to the lost art of funny-because-they-weren’t-trying-to-be B-movie making I grew up with as a kid. Hell, a movie like this used to pop up every Friday and Saturday night on cable and I watched every single one. The key to making these Z-grade movies work and likable is all in the actors, if they are likable people then it translates on the screen. If they are pure assholes trying to be cool and make a movie then ya, IT’S OBVIOUS and the movie sucks regardless of the writing. In the end I really liked this one, it ends up being really enjoyable like a good dream induced EMHO.

You get a little cameraman reflection in the window and some boom mic shadow, but surprisingly that’s about it. I was really hoping for more, but you do the best ya can with what little ya got, right Mike and Sam?

So then down to business…
Why you should see this movie: There is an abundance of kick ass midi oboe all over the sweet stereophonic audio mix, so crank those woofers you dirty hatchet wounds!

Why you shouldn’t see this movie: all that peanut butter might excite your dog… again.

References to Cock in this review: half a bakers dozen.

References to Snatch in this review: 8 (Mike and Sam only count as one. One lip each that is.)

This movie ranks in at a 3 out of 10 on the Uwe Boll-omiter: it made me retain water to the point that my cankles looked awful and I decided to not go to my high school reunion and dump pigs blood on that psychic bitch that smells like beef stew. I hate that whore.

6 degrees to UWE!

  • Ariauna Albright from Platoon of the Dead was in The Dead Hate The Living with Matthew “Tiny” McGrory.
  • Matthew was in The Devil’s Rejects with P.J. Soles, Bill Moseley and Danny Trejo
  • P.J., Bill, & Danny were all in Alone in the Dark II with Zack Ward
  • Zack was in Postal directed by Uwe “ach mein gott what a package” Boll!

Next time: Ferguson gets his avian freak on with Flu Birds!

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