Saturday, July 25, 2009
So, the site will look similar, but there will be subtle differences. The main difference will be that all of the links will be found in the left column instead of across the top. There will be all the awesome wordpress features like post categories, search by date, and an overall search for the site.
Do not worry! We are not making any changes to the forums at all!
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Ferguson Takes One For The Team Presents:
(AKA: The Flu Bird Horror)
Alright, let’s be honest for a moment here, I really should have known better and stayed far away from this poopshoot of a movie, but I is dumbers and in hindsight this was a very bad idea.
A gonzo gang of some kooky birds, which I have ascertained to be roosters (or as there known in the ‘the business’, a flock of cocks) get mutated by some crazy wack-a-doodle ‘Flu’ and magically turn into pterodactyls! This apparently happened at some unknown time before the movie and unfortunately it is never really explained. Man, I could of used some back-story, because this complex schematic of a plot was just way to hard to digest on its own.
We begin with some backwoods yokels going hunting (the almighty movies tell me that’s all they do and I believe the movies) and well, they die, attacked by an over abundance of cheesy zooming crane shots and some Sega Genesis pterodactyl thingies.
Then we meet our really cool group of society’s outcasts played by some Jesus camp all-stars. For a bunch of hard ass young criminals, there is surprisingly very little swearing. I’m not sure, they look cool, rebel against the councilor, make fun of the fat kid so ya, I’m pretty sure they’re bible school prodigies. To bad this must be the edited version, I think they should have shown the whole campfire talent show the night before, even though as always (Jebus willing) everyone’s’ talent is just Jonas brothers lip syncs. And of course there’s the pretty girl and the not as pretty girl, so which one do you think curses us with her side boob? So, these hip ‘teens’ inevitably get attacked by our heroes of the movie, the Flu Cocks.
There are three variations of the Flu Cocks (proof of Darwinism?), first is the CGI Cock which looks like shit, and not the good kind of shit with corn. Second is the Man-in-a-suit Cock which looks amazingly like a, well, Man in a Flu Cock suit. Lastly is the Stunt Cock, which is a complex contraption of a bird head on a stick. The film makers keep it fresh so you never know which one you’re gonna get next.
Nothing ROCKS as hard as some 20 something’s acting like underage kids that are hard asses. Well maybe rap metal does, but I’m not sure. I would blame Fred Durst for that abomination, but according to everyone I know Elvis or the Beatles did everything first, so you tell me, Sebastian Haff or Ringo? Who gets the kick in the balls for inventing that crap? Okay, back to the movie; Usually it should be a prerequisite to actually have held a cigarette before you are in a movie acting like you can take a drag form one, and don’t get me started on them really inhaling. I guarantee they had to stop filming for a week because they got head and tummy achies from the resulting nicky buzz and the one guy that didn’t hold the cigarette was definitely close enough for a contact high. That’s just unfortunate, the truth campaign would not approve.
If you’re gonna be the badass longhaired leader of societies outcasts (or Jesus campers), then you should probably not be bitchscrawny like Randy Quaids lanky son in Independence Day. Our group of fearless douchebjorns is rounded out with a white rapper, the (token) black guy, the fat kid, the computer geek, the slut, and the hot misunderstood (not really a) bad girl, so this time Dawson goes to the creek and Katie Holmes’ Hubbard induced rock tit is all like, oh wait sorry I got mixed up there, anyway this is some really heavy atypical stuff.
Two separate stories are both attempting to cellmate rape your brain cells here, one is the unthinkably douchy troubled ‘teens’ being attacked by the pterodactyls, or sorry, I mean the flu enhanced flying cocks, and the other story is the scientists that are all getting super avian cock flu and being quarantined by some mall security guards. Neither of these stories goes anywhere and they are both equally annoying. Of course, in the end the two stories collide and the results are less than stellar, some built up gas is ignited with the intention of killing the flu cocks. It may or may not have worked; I guess we will never know because it is impossible to give a shit about this movie by its inevitably wretched final frame.
On the bright side, at 46 minutes in you get a guest appearance of the rainman as a security guard ranting “halt, we’ll shoot, turn back, definitely Wapner”. Okay, I admit I may have added that last part, but you try watching a movie that numbs your mind to the point that you actually begin to ponder if you could really smoke a cigar in your butthole. I think I would have to practice the uptake a little more. Don’t you worry; I’ve got the exhale down like a criminal. I say cigar for my anus, because I’m a real man and I could take it, besides cigarettes are for pussies.
After everything is said and done and the credits roll, all we’re left with is the wonderful feeling of being let down. This movie was just a bad idea from its inception (or insertion), kind of like inventing a robot that makes Amish people.
The Music was composed by Alan Howarth and I have to ask, what in the hell happened to this guy; he really lost whatever it was that he once had. And I think what he had was being friends with Carpenter. He was special, kinda like the keyboardist for the Buggles, but damn it, Alan sure as shit lost it. As for the Buggles guy, well let’s just say he ain’t doing too bad for himself, look it up, I dare you.
Why you should see this movie: if there are two things you just can’t get enough of, it’s Flu Cocks and Flu Cocks!
Why you should never see this movie: Geordi La Forge will kick your ever-living ass if you think watching this is a good idea! He kicked mine. And don’t just take my word for it…
This movie ranks in at a 7 out of 10 on the Uwe Bollomiter, it was really bad, in fact watching this movie was like going through puberty again, my voice cracked, my nads took on the appearance of chewbacca, I attended Hogwarts and got my wand stuck in a Longbottom, my nipples hurt, and I think I may have accidentally found out I was a dumpster baby.
6 degrees to Uwe!
Clare Carey was kind of almost hot in Flu Birds
Clare was also in Smokin’ Aces with The Immortally Radical Ray Liotta
Ray was probably the worst evil wizard ever in In The Name Of The King: A Dungeon Siege Tale by Uwe “the suckshack” Boll!
Next time Ferguson is manhandled by Dead Noon.
Monday, July 20, 2009
Thursday, July 16, 2009
We here at the Cadaver Lab have such a treat for you! We've found a picture of this extraordinarily handsome man. Not only is this man very handsome, he is one of the greatest celebrities of all time. The only problem is that his talent and handsomeness have been wasted because he has only been in one movie.
We're going to do a contest involving this photo. If you can identify this man, you will get an awesome prize package from the Cadaver Lab!
We've created a thread in the forums to place your guesses!
Monday, July 13, 2009
NIGHTMARE over already: It seems like mere weeks since we learned who would be helming the NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET redux for Platinum Dunes. It also doesn't seem that long ago that Jackie Earle Haley was announced as the FREDDY KRUEGER for a new generation. And yet, on Friday July 10th, producer Brad Fuller Twittered that filming had indeed wrapped and post-production was underway.
Now I've never made a movie in my life... well a horror movie anyway... but it doesn't take much to see that Fuller and co. must have shot that shit on the fly to be done already! If I was an optimist, I would say that this could mean that the script was tighter than a fish’s arse going into shooting (water tight) making things easy and efficient to get in the can. However, I'm a pessimist and have a feeling it's more likely that a huge percentage of work is still to be done as post-production... likely using those special effects machines that create video game dream-worlds and rubbish fake blood.
All we can hope for is that the storyline and screenplay don't conform to the Platinum Dunes trend of having more ugly kinks that Mega(n) Fox's thumbs. A promised peak at the goods (NIGHTMARE's not Megan's) during this year's Comic Con will no doubt shed more light on things.
BLADE prequel/spin-off trilogy: It's pretty much accepted that the only cool thing about the BLADE movies was... err... BLADE. Wesley Snipes brought us the most badass character since Snake Plissken. Everything in those movies merely existed to be smashed by him and all other characters simply turned up to have their balls soundly kicked up into their gut by the half-vampire with a shit-eating grin. So needless to say, this news baffles me...
Pint sized actor Stephen Dorff stated sometime last year that a prequel to the BLADE films was being planned and that the story arc would follow Deacon Frost's rise to power. For whatever reason the story re-emerged only for BLADE director Stephen Norrington to confirm that this is indeed that case, and that "the concept has evolved into a very interesting story".
Just one question from me: who gives a crap? I know Hollywood is suffering a bout of writer's block, but really? This is the best they have? Can't we have BLADE 4 already? With talent like Dorff (ALONE IN THE DARK, PROM NIGHT '08) and Norrington (LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEMEN, upcoming and likely shite CROW remake) involved, this can only go one way... direct to DVD. Or am I being harsh?
UK set for another BLITZ: Lionsgate UK have announced that they are finalising negotiations with Jason 'The Stath' Statham to star in a horror-thriller, BLITZ. The film will see Statham hunt down a serial killer targeting cops (or police officers as us polite Brits refer to them). There's no news as to whether Statham's shirt will make an appearance so it's sensible to assume at least 70% of the running time will feature his abs also.
I have to admit to being a big fan of anything Statham shows up for. Part of my admiration is due to him being a reminder of the (almost lost) true action star who recognises his strengths and plays on them to great effect. Part of me loves the fact that the new Steven Seagal or Van Damme has turned out to be a cockney dive board pro. But mostly, it's because I fear him finding me and beating me to a mass of tender flesh-pulp before stealing my (suspiciously co-operative) wife if he hears of me not liking his films.
So long for now!
Sunday, July 12, 2009
You may be asking yourself why the hell it took the Cadaver Lab so damn long to dedicate a show to the man who they obviously are huge fans of? To that we say... Don't worry about it. Leave us alone! Just kidding.
We choose three gems for this episode. Sundown: The Vampire in Retreat, My Name is Bruce, and Bubba Ho-Tep.
We also dedicate the music to Dave from the Cheap and Dirty Podcast. All Black Metal!!! Man that guy's lust for metal is insatiable.
As usual, we go over listener voicemails and we've got a nice Tribute for you.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Written and directed by The John Bowker Experience.
J.R. Bookwalter gets an Exec. Producer Credit and well, I guess once you’ve seen the movie then that’s really no surprise. This flick is distributed by our righteous friends at Tempe Video.
Dude, where do I begin with this cock-knocking masterpiece…
Grown men run around the back woods of BFN Oregon with Star Wars toy blasters (no, really I should know, I bought one for my kid last year, same damn thing except my kids’ makes a cooler sound) and shoot CGI ‘Lasers’ at what may or may not be zombies, they are just people with white makeup on their faces, so maybe the world is just being overrun with pale goths. They probably got mad that Twilight ruined the Vampire so they rose up and conquered the human race. Before the deaths begins, I will be the first to announce that I am indeed a Goth sympathizer, please start this Robert Smith induced massacre elsewhere because I will infiltrate and turn over any resistance forces oh great depressed ones.
Back to the movie, three ballsy Marines (in nice new army fatigues) get ambushed in the woods and find a house with three chicks and then the lusty hot pale Oregon orgy begins! No, I jest, there is no whoopee here, only a longhaired metal head lieutenant and some kick ass zombie mayhem in a house with some Jesus mural door beads! When we are introduced to the first of the three ‘marines’, I think his name was private Vagina or something like that, well anyway Vagina tries to radio the other members of his platoon over what is actually an old turned off cell phone HELD UPSIDE DOWN, damn those budget cuts to our military. When will those meat weasels learn!? Oh, the humanity!
The Metal Head Lieutenant (played by one Chris Keown) is the shit, and I am dead serious about that, I loved this guy! Unfortunately this appears to be his only film credit to date, here’s to hoping that he keeps rocking the B-movie shaft madness. The last of the three Marines is some smartass southern sounding comic relief guy called Sergeant Shirtless Wonder or something like that. It’s the simple fact that all of his chauvinist comments are totally unfunny which actually makes them pretty damn laughable, it’s like watching a clubfoot try to skateboard… everybody wins!
As for our hot chicks, well one can’t talk, one’s just kinda there for no reason, and the other one’s actually a demon, so truth be told Private Vagina’s odds of getting laid are looking almost as good as boot camp. There is however, a cornucopia of freckles. It’s a fact that you have to put cheese on your burger, right? It makes it infinitely better, well same rules apply to freckles on cleavage! Perhaps that’s why I am so attracted to Carrot Top, I’ll have to read up in my copy of Sylvia Browne’s Animals on the Other Side about why that is, but rest assured that it most definitely is. Did you also happen to know that apparently demonic bitches go apeshit over their pot roasts? Well they do, so don’t try putting any of that chick’s deli platter in your mouth without asking first. Speaking of which, let’s now discuss the more important aspect of this or any other movie: The Nudity.
Nudity, ha! Dream on perverts, that’s just another thing they couldn’t afford, but in their defense, nobody wants to see any of these people naked… well, maybe just a little bit. Shirtless Wonder does spend a good deal of time near the end, well, shirtless and tied up courtesy of our demon bitch who now has some Playstation code scribbled on her face, something like up, up, circle, triangle, square, etc. I think it might be some unlockable secret to the Sims, but I’m not sure, again I will have to consult my copy of Sylvia Browne’s Tools for Life DVD on that one.
These zombies evaporate after being shot with a toy blaster ‘laser’ and dear lord, when cut, they actually bleed peanut butter. Take a lesson from Private Vagina and lieutenant Metal Head if you want to get laid, you bleed legume! Shirtless Wonder even takes the time to chop a zombie up in the tool shed and gets peanut butter spunk squirted all over his Burt Reynolds-esque chest. He’s all hairy and covered in peanut butter, you know like your mom. Bam!
I don’t know how this movie can be so bad and make me enjoy the hell out of it as much as I did. So, in the end Shirtless gets de-cocked, Metal Head goes out in a Bon Jovi-esque-perfect-mane-of-hair blaze of glory, and finally Vagina gets to ride in a sweet new mini van and wins the war by littering and throwing his toy blaster out onto the side of the road.
There is not a single line spoken throughout the entire film that is natural or even sounds like it isn’t read by a beauty pageant contestant, but that is exactly what this movies’ allure is all about. It’s bad; in fact it’s really bad. Full on Craptacular, but somehow that’s what’s so damn entertaining. I think a lot of it had to do with nostalgia for me. This movie harkened back to the lost art of funny-because-they-weren’t-trying-to-be B-movie making I grew up with as a kid. Hell, a movie like this used to pop up every Friday and Saturday night on cable and I watched every single one. The key to making these Z-grade movies work and likable is all in the actors, if they are likable people then it translates on the screen. If they are pure assholes trying to be cool and make a movie then ya, IT’S OBVIOUS and the movie sucks regardless of the writing. In the end I really liked this one, it ends up being really enjoyable like a good dream induced EMHO.
You get a little cameraman reflection in the window and some boom mic shadow, but surprisingly that’s about it. I was really hoping for more, but you do the best ya can with what little ya got, right Mike and Sam?
So then down to business…
Why you should see this movie: There is an abundance of kick ass midi oboe all over the sweet stereophonic audio mix, so crank those woofers you dirty hatchet wounds!
Why you shouldn’t see this movie: all that peanut butter might excite your dog… again.
References to Cock in this review: half a bakers dozen.
References to Snatch in this review: 8 (Mike and Sam only count as one. One lip each that is.)
This movie ranks in at a 3 out of 10 on the Uwe Boll-omiter: it made me retain water to the point that my cankles looked awful and I decided to not go to my high school reunion and dump pigs blood on that psychic bitch that smells like beef stew. I hate that whore.
- Ariauna Albright from Platoon of the Dead was in The Dead Hate The Living with Matthew “Tiny” McGrory.
- Matthew was in The Devil’s Rejects with P.J. Soles, Bill Moseley and Danny Trejo
- P.J., Bill, & Danny were all in Alone in the Dark II with Zack Ward
- Zack was in Postal directed by Uwe “ach mein gott what a package” Boll!
Next time: Ferguson gets his avian freak on with Flu Birds!
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
I realize that most of you guys aren't from Utah and when asked about Salt Lake City, your typical response is "Isn't that the place where dudes have tons of wives?" Do me a favor and humor me with this entry... will you?
Well, regardless of any preconceived notions that you may have, we here in SLC, are proud to say that we have a budding horror community. First, there's an excellent horror podcast based from there (maybe you've heard of it), now we're proud to announce a horror film festival. No... I'm not talking about the BIG one. Though there are a few horror films that make their way into Sundance every year. To my knowledge there has never been a film festival completely dedicated to horror in Utah.
That is... until now. I had a chance to catch up with the creator of the Salty Horror Film Festival. I had the chance to ask him a couple of questions. Check out the interview here!
Monday, June 29, 2009
We're going to be taking a break from the slasher retrospectives next episode and do an episode that is a long time coming. Yeah, we've talked about films with Bruce Campbell in them, but we have never done an episode dedicated solely to Bruce.
We're going to be discussing My Name is Bruce, Bubba Ho-Tep, and Sundown: A Vampire in Retreat. I'm thinking that for this episode Sam won't have to work too hard on his Six Degrees.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
I recently watched a film called Call of Cthulhu. It was created in 2005 and was filmed in the style of a 1920's silent film. Now, that may seem to be a bit weird, but this turned to be an awesome adaptation of one of the most famous stories by H.P. Lovecraft.
I could have written a review here, but I figured, why not get paid for it? So I published it over at Examiner.com. Do me a favor and check it out!
We're back discussing the next three films in the A Nightmare On Elm Street Series. The series takes a turn for the cheesy... but is this a bad thing? We discuss.
We have plenty of your voicemails to go through (which we appreciate very much!). We also take a break from the metal to bring you the theme of "Seattle in the 90's" for our musical choices.
Contact us at email@example.com and leave us a voicemail at (206)339-2730.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Monday, June 22, 2009
The month is quickly coming to an end. I've been told that in our episodes I've neglected to mention our voicemail number or Podcast Alley!
So, if you would be so kind as to vote for us on Podcast Alley HERE, that would be great!
Also, get your voicemails in at 206-339-2730!
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Just published another article at Examiner.com. This article is another entry into the series of articles that I'm doing on free horror entertainment. This article discusses podcast audiobooks or podiobooks. Tells where you can find them and lists some of my faves.
Check it out!
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Ferguson Takes One For The Team Presents:
Lesbian Vampire Killers
Well all be damned, color me surprised…
You see I was 100% ready to be wowed with stupidity and utterly unfunny (mad tv) jokes, but somehow this movie defied the odds and entertained me. This means there’s less for me to make fun of, but this works for you because you might actually want to see this one… and not because it’s complete shit.
So, how to begin…
I’ll be honest; the trailer was pretty damn lame. The jokes fell flat and the scenes they showed were pretty weak. Oddly enough, the clips from the preview were actually NOT a good representation of the movie as a whole. The jokes in the movie are well delivered and pretty funny, and while you can get a good sense of the story from the preview, they do throw in a lot of extra goofball stuff that really sells the whole thing. Plus there’s this whole hot foreign chick thing. You’ll for sure recognize MyAnna Buring from The Descent and Doomsday, but the rest of the cast aren’t too familiar (at least here in America that is); luckily they all do a good job. And most importantly, the chicks are hot. There is some really bad CGI to be found here, but it’s all done for laughs, so it actually works out and doesn’t anger you like a, oh I don’t know… a Will Smith movie.
We begin with a prologue that looks just like Dungeons and Dragons The Wrath of the Dragon God (ha ha, ya, I saw it, jealous?), but the humor steps in with the introduction of our two great heroes. Enter Jimmy and Fletch, name a character Fletch and good things should follow, right? Jimmy is unlucky with women and he gets dumped yet again. Fletch is the fat bumbling moron with a filthy mouth and somehow the two of them are chums. They decide to go hiking and we are off to an exceptional set-up. The creepy locals send them to stay the night at a cabin with four hot chicks. And a few boners later the vampire onslaught ensues. Throw in a Vigilant Vicar trying to stop the town’s ancient vampire curse before his daughter turns eighteen and will inevitably become a lesbian vampire, (you know how those crazy town curses can be) and you have a movie! Tried and true formula, I know, but why not? It ain’t broke. Of course people are gonna say that it is just trying to be another Shaun of the dead. And don’t get me wrong, it does feel a lot like that at first, but I will stop short of saying it’s a rip-off. It goes in a very different and more Evil Dead wannabe direction.
The main vamp queen has special mind powers and shoots Aqua-man like mind waves to throw things around, much like Dark City. However, in this movie it works, in Dark City it was the single most stupid thing I had ever witnessed and found myself actually saying aloud “what the hell?” in a theater half full of people. Wait, no I take that back, the Dark City mind waves were the worst until I saw the actual squid/ball sack aliens at the end. God, that was just pure dumbass short-bus moviemaking. There is also a TON of that speed-up/slow-down camera work from 300 all over the place in this movie. The director must have just figured out how to do that and thought if it looked cool 10 times, why not 100 times? Dope!
So as much as it owes to Zack Snyder, Edgar Wright, and Sam Raimi it actually all kinda succeeds. I found the humor to be funny, nothing was amazingly groundbreaking, but it works. The jokes are crude and all sexual in nature (another plus), but really are you expecting something mature and educational from the title? How many movies feature an action sequence as intense as watching a guy keep a vampire from attacking him by holding her back by her bare tits? Gnarly!
I would have thought that Lesbian Vampires in the woods would have frolicked in less clothing, but I guess I’m just old fashioned. I must have blinked and missed the country folk having sex with sheep, because I’m sure it’s there, but I guess I missed it. I mean come on, all the women in the town are lesbian vampires and I would think they would get some magical bareback man-on-man action, but with teeth like that, even cuzin Cletus ain’t tappin it. So, naturally they’d be helping some four-legged friends over the fence, but somehow I didn’t see it in the movie. Guess I’ll just wait for the directors cut, and you can bet I will be waiting.
The music for the movie starts as your standard Sleepy Hollow knock off, but it’s pretty competent and it doesn’t just exploit that one theme, in fact it adds some pretty good orchestrations, a can-can and definite Brian Tyler inspired action/hero themes (just think Children of Dune). The score owes much to Danny Elfman and Brian Tyler, but come on, in reality that’s actually a complement and that is how you get more jobs.
The movie never seems to take itself too serious. They knew exactly what kind of flick they were making from the beginning, a classic? Probably not, but well worth a watch, for sure. While it’s low on gore, there are some really funny kills and some pretty good lines. Surprisingly way less nudity than you would expect from a title like this, but then again Misty Mundae is nowhere to be found so that’s a plus. Sorry Misty, no offense, but Spiderbabe was the last good thing you did.
Why you need to see this movie: it’s pretty damn funny, immature and quotable, and it features a mythic ‘cock-sword’, which is the only way to kill the vampire queen. Cheers!
Why you need to avoid this movie: well, the ‘rock’ songs featured in the movie and during the credits are just awful! Ya, that’s all I really didn’t like.
On the Uwe Boll-omiter this movie only barely registered with a 1 out of 10. It was funny and entertaining and did I mention the girls were hot. My neck ached a little bit, but nothing an aspirin didn’t fix.
MyAnna Buring from Lesbian Vampire Killers was in Doomsday with Rhona (Lambert) Mitra
Rhona was naked and that’s about it in Hollow Man with Elisabeth Shue
Elisabeth was in Back to the Future part II with Billy Zane
Billy was in Bloodrayne by Uwe MFing Boll! Damn that felt good!
Sleep well you Princes of Douche…
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Anyhow, I'm going to fix the spots then re-upload the file. I really apologize to everyone who got the bad version... Sorry!!!
EDIT: I found the issues and think I have it all fixed. I'm currently exporting the fixed file. It should back, with fixed audio, this evening!
EDIT: The episode has been fixed (hopefully) re-uploaded and should available very soon.
EDIT: The episode is available now on iTunes!
Thanks Again for the heads-up!
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Having watched Friday the 13th parts 1-3 as well as the 2009 remake in preparation for episode 34, I've been thinking a lot about the series. In the podcast, we didn't spend a lot of time breaking down and reviewing the remake, so I thought I'd write a companion piece to the episode on my page at Examiner.com.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Sam and Mike discuss the first three installments of one of the most successful franchises in horror history. Whoever it was that originally came up with the formula of blood, scares, and boobs should be given an honorary Bonesaw, because he (I assume it was a man) has given us hours upon hours of awesome entertainment!
As usual, we get some awesome voicemails and discuss them. We've got a tribute that is funny now, but Sam will have some explaining to do next episode!
We also feature the music of Mr. Bungle and Johnny Sanders. Check out Johnny's Site here.
Friday the 13th
Friday the 13th Part 2
Friday the 13th Part 3: 3D
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Remember that episode that we did a while back about horror in the public domain? Well, I thought that it would be a good topic for an article on Examiner.com.
There is so much awesome free stuff that we as horror fans are lucky to have readily available. I'm going to keep on that subject with a series articles on free horror entertainment.
Do me a favor and check it out!
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
In an awesome show of kindness, Steve Wands took the time and put his talents to work to create the logo for the new Cadaver Lab T-Shirts! Steve is an uber-talented artist and all-around awesome dude!
His blog is laden with all sorts of horror topics including reviews and commentary. Every once in a while, we are treated to some of his artwork.
Just wanted to throw out a huge thanks to Steve! If you're interested in checking out his work and/or picking up a tshirt, go to our Cafe Press store.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
I was reading an article about why the horror genre is dying on a news site called Examiner.com. I got a little steamed at this guy's opinion... but as I read, I noticed that this site had writers that specialize in horror films.
I did a little bit of clicking around and saw that they were on the lookout for writers. So, I sent in an application and told them what an avid horror fan I am... and believe it or not, they've got me writing articles focused on horror films!
I know, I know... I'm a big dork. However, I figured that since they offer compensation for writing that if I made any cash, I could use it to support the Cadaver Lab by helping pay some hosting fees etc.
Anyhow, if you get the chance, head over to my page on Examiner.com to check it out!
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
(AKA The Cycle)
Praise be the sweet and precious David Lee Roth years of Daryl Hannah, she began by providing us with an abundance of mermaid side boob, she taught us caveman Kama sutra, she was even a friggin roboslut!
She slipped into the shadows for a while and returned with a roar in her more adult and rockin Hagar Years as the one-eyed super killer!
Sadly we now have Daryl Hannah’s Gary Cherone years. Oh, the bitter taste of Halen III.
So bad indeed.
Hey look, a bird!
The cover promised me so much with a picture of some face that looked like an uncorrected Meg Ryan pic, or perhaps Daryl Hannah after a date with Chris Brown. Ya, it coulda went either way on that one. However (and here’s the spoiler warning) Daryl looks nothing like that in the actual movie, in fact she looks completely normal.
Let’s get a few things out of the way first off, this IS NOT a slasher flick (as it is often described as such) by any stretch of the imagination. The killer(s) (oops did I ruin something for you?) carry and use a shotgun to kill with. Well, I don’t know, maybe I should fact check some more. Is a shotgun considered a knife in Canada? It’s really just a bad attempt at putting a spin on the overly done backwoods killers hunt down and kill the twenty somethings. And the ‘spin’ part is NOT any sort of improvement, it’s more like crooked teeth on a fat chick, it ain’t a deal breaker, but hell, it ain’t doing her any favors either.
Alright, so here’s the rundown and yes if you don’t want to know the ending then don’t read cuz I’m gonna reveal all the juicy Canadian secrets! I feel so naughty, spank me Avril! Daryl Hannah is driving on back roads and picks up a girl with a few smears of blood on her cheeks and the rest of the story unfolds as this girl, Amy Singer (played by Leah Gibson) recounts her wacky adventures in the woods. Oddly the annoying girl tells the story much like a badly written teen fantasy novel (I’m looking directly at you, Stephanie Meager).
So, her story goes as such: A small group of ‘environmentalists’ with nice new sweat shop cloths and huge diamond earrings travel out into the woods of pseudo-Pennsylvania while listening to some crappy Skynyrd rip-off band. So, why are they there? Oh, who cares, what you need to know is how hard they try to make it look like the Texas Chainsaw remake. Then they start getting killed off one by one, but most of the time they try really damn hard not sound incredibly Canadian. A little advice if I may, it’s ‘About’, not ‘A Boot’, just in case you guys were wondering. Magically they are also Anthropologists/Archaeologists, you see as they find human remains, they dig up the entire site, logging and categorizing everything. Wow, Canadians can do anything! Bird! Keep in mind NONE of these guys own a cell phone. Really? Not even one? Did some Amish kid write this? I guess it is Pennsylvania right?
Quickly a crazed Canadian backwoods version of Mushmouth appears and drives an RV into one of the blonde girls, you know the one that’s not as hot as the other one. Death by RV sounds pretty damn cool, but it’s not. It was really stupid and I feel a little bit dumber for having witnessed it. This killer is played by a guy named Twan Holliday. I gotta give credit where it’s due and Twan was pretty badass, how in the hell he and Rob Zombie haven’t made a movie together yet is beyond me. Too bad this movie wasn’t just Twan and Daryl, now that has got some potential!
There’s another killer, it’s the OTHER backwoods guy. Well, let’s see there are two guys out in rural not-quite-Pennsylvania and they are brothers, so they must both be crazy killers, right? About forty minutes of pointless Saving Private Ryan quick shutter running later and we are down to one last girl. Oh, look a bird. Some uninspired deaths and SHOT AFTER SHOT OF BIRDS! Half the footage for this film was apparently taken from the local bird watching society. To be honest even if you have a crippling fear of birds, this movie won’t even make you flinch. But it may turn the weaker of you on with massive amounts of full frontal bird nudity. These ain’t your shaved American birds, nor are they California landing strips, we’re talking French-Canadian all natural Celine Dion Shaggy Meat Wallets. Yee-Haw!
In the end we find that the girl telling this pathetic story is in fact NOT a girl but rather some ghost that accidentally wandered off of Ghost Whisperers set and decided to pay Daryl Hannah a visit. When I die you can bet the first place I’ll be going is straight to Daryl Hannah’s Volvo! Or maybe Uwe Boll’s medicine cabinet. Do you think he has sensitive teeth? Does he whiten them? Athletes foot perhaps? Oh god I wish I knew! Anyway, ya, the chick was dead all along and wanted Daryl to know hear her lame-ass story and finish her communist works, but in the end Daryl dies too. And we are all left feeling like we just watched an episode of Goosebumps. Even the meaty colossal hairy moles on R.L. Stines face wrote scarier stuff than this! This movie relies more on scaring you with things like bad continuity, thin dialogue and weepy angst ridden brow furrowing than anything really scary, like maple leaves! You will not be able to handle the kinds of Canadian horror these kids are dishing out so don’t even attempt it. Stick with truly scary things like swamps and Kate Hudson. Hey look a bird!
The main chick is key to the success of these things and this one did everything she could to make me want her dead! It’s actually really satisfying when you find out she’s really been dead this whole time, because if she had survived I’d be pissed. Well, more pissed than I already am because there weren’t enough birds in this movie! But the true winner of this whole thing is of course our own Daryl Hannah who walks away with the easy paycheck. Well done D.H., you are a true guiding light in our otherwise pallid world.
That wasn’t too painful right? Well then, as it stands this movie ranks a 7 out of 10 on the Uwe Boll-omiter, which caused stabbing pain in my left ear canal and dry mouth. There may have been some kind of aching involved, but I’m not sure I was too busy watching some tubular bird footage!
Why you shouldn’t see this movie: That main chick is annoying as hell, the faces she makes are just ridiculous!
Why you should see this movie: That main chick is funny as hell, the faces she makes are just hilarious!
Mike Madsen was in Bloodrayne by Uwe MFing Boll!
We here at the Cadaver Lab just received the following important notice. Please read and follow the directions herein:
Sunday, May 31, 2009
This episode we start our look back at the A Nightmare On Elm Street series. We discuss ANOES, ANOES part 2: Freddy's Revenge, and ANOES part 3: Dream Warriors. Being one of the series that we both loved as kids, it was like taking a trip down memory lane but do these movies stand up today?
Music for this episode:
- Mastodon - The Wolf is Loose
- Slayer - Dead Skin Mask
- Dokken - Dream Warriors
- Hidden Track (Meaning, we stuck it at the end of the show): Rush - Roll the Bones
A Nightmare On Elm Street
A Nightmare On Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge
A Nightmare On Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors
Friday, May 29, 2009
In an effort to improve the Cadaver Lab Website and the forums, we have changed where our forums are being hosted. This is the first step in many that we will be doing over the next few months to improve the overall quality of our web presence.
We had a couple of hiccups in doing this migration:
1. For some reason, I wasn't able to transfer all of the avatar's to the new server. Here's how to replace your avatar:
- Login to the forums
- Click the "User Control Panel" link located right below the Cadaver Lab Logo at the top.
- You will land on the the Control Panel page. On the left side of the page, you will see a set of links.
- Click the "Profile" link
- Click the "Edit Avatar" link
- You will see an area to upload a new avatar!
2. Unfortunately, you may notice that a few of the posts that were made tonight (5/29/2009) have disappeared. That's because we took a snapshot of the database earlier this evening and used that snapshot for the new forum setup.
If you experience any issues, please let us know. Shoot me an email at firstname.lastname@example.org!
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Creepy and depressing 1970's classic. Donald Sutherland and his wife have lost their young daughter to drowning. They go to Venice so Donald Sutherland can work on restoring the art in an old church. He keeps seeing a small figure in a red hood, just like his daughter used to wear. He becomes obsessed with catching this figure and with the idea that his daughter may somehow still be alive.
It's hard to discuss this movie, since it's about atmosphere and a twist ending. The atmosphere builds slowly but effectively, and by the end you're devastated and will probably need to go outside to get some fresh air.
So that's all I'm really going to say. It's not a fun movie, not at all. But it's a great movie. Especially if you're a fan of atmospheric 70's horror. Highly recommended.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
(AKA The Forgotten Ones)
A New Dimension in Terror
(Which was also the Tagline for Friday the 13th part 3 in 3D and Intruder (AKA Night Crew) from 1989.)
And away we go! This movie was filmed in 2006 and promptly was suppressed by the coolness police for massive amounts of contraband awesomeness… until now! Actually right after it was shot the filmmakers decided it wasn’t up to their elite and obviously amazing standards of entertainment, so they made the choice to hide this thing and actually begin to remake the film with a new director and cast. As far as I can tell it hasn’t received a Region 1 release as of yet, however thanks to a kind and loving god it is available on a fancy Region 2 disc. Finally my Region free player has payed off!!!!
Co-written by the elusive non-entity known only as Wallace Balboa! Seriously, I gotta know who this cinematic genius is.
But wait there’s more!
This movie is called The Forgotten Ones or The Tribe: a story of a group of twenty-somethings that get shipwrecked on an island (and the hills of California) and are attacked by some kind of ancient unknown creatures. Starring Jewel Staite.
This spawned the remake:
The Lost Tribe: a remake of a story of a group of twenty-somethings that get shipwrecked on an island and are attacked by some kind of ancient unknown creatures. Starring Brianna Brown (Timber Falls and NOTLD 3D, yea she’s pretty, and Lance Henriksen)
(If you were wise enough to ask me, I would say the creatures look the same, but it appears they’ve stolen even more from The Descent. And they keep saying this will go theatrical!)
Which is being confused all over the internet with an Australian movie previously called The Lost Tribe and now renamed:
Primal: a story of a group of twenty-somethings that get shipwrecked on an island and become magically ‘infected’ and turn into ancient violent creatures that attack those that are not ‘infected’. Starring Zoe Tuckwell-Smith and some other Australian people you’ve never heard of, but scored by Bennett Salvay (Jeepers Creepers).
(Did you guys see that movie about vampires in Alaska? That was way cool mate.)
To my utter disbelief, asylum pictures is NOT involved with any of these.
The German cover claims this is a movie in the tradition of The Descent and Predator, which we all know translates into English to mean these are just two of the fine movies they totally ripped off. In their defense, at least it didn’t read: In the tradition of The Cave and Xtro 3.
And we begin in the most terrifying of places… the past! A group of dorks are all killed off by what are obviously the creatures that some current-day dorks will be killed by. Don’t be fooled, these creatures are smart; they can climb trees and stuff. You know you don’t mess with things that climb trees and stuff, that plus the fact they sound just like the Predator. Just don’t mess with that! Well, unless Dutch is around. Oh, wait is Dutch there? Nope? Didn’t think so. Then we are all screwed. Fix it next time around in the remake!
Next we jump to what appears to the untrained eye as a lost episode of Beverly Hills 90210 already in progress, and yes we do get a the highly anticipated boating/dancing/fat guy-in-thong montage to contemporary hip hop. Nicely done Wall-Ass Balboa. We are next introduced to our group of victims, the stuck-up rich girl, the jock, the cool guy, the annoying fat guy and the innocent main final girl played by Jewel Staite from Firefly/Serenity fame. But wait! You even get what is the most unconvincing shipwreck ever put on screen. God, even Pee-Wee’s nemesis Francis staged a better shipwreck during his bath time. That guy had some crunk boobies. There’s no need for me to relay to you the rest of the story, you could guess it and you would be completely right. The only relatively stand out thing here is the third act where our main lady Jewel grows a pair of brass ones and fights back. There’s even some great ninja wirework as Jewel gets her ass handed to her.
Boil it down and essentially this movie is the other side of Harry and the Hendersons. You see, Harry moved in with Lithgow and the Hendersons, but here we have his inbred hillbilly relatives with dreads and receding hairlines. You get to see where Harry came from and how he was limited until he left his job as a janitor at the local university (thanks Sean Maguire!) to see the world in suburbia. My biggest problem would have to be that these unclothed hillbilly ‘monsters’ had no primal junk! All eunuchs! I looked, I paused, I even zoomed in on that shit and they got nothing! Come on, I guarantee a super hairy primal beast man would have some massive tick-ridden vinegar-scented balls. I will refrain from spoiling the reveal about how wussy these things really are, but never fear it is dumb.
Yes, Wall-ass Ballgawker, this movie was not lackluster enough for my taste, I agree in spades.
But not all is as it appears here. Surprisingly this movie is actually not that bad. I would say it was about on level with a Sci Fi original picture, while dumb and uneven, it was kind of entertaining. They even take full advantage of all the latest technologies available; the sound of the ocean waves begins on the left side and actually moves to the right side! Dude, even Predator didn’t try that! Boo-Yah!
Okay, so now the real kick in the bits, you see when a filmmaker decides to remake their own film, for whatever reason, it would make perfect sense to retain the elements that worked in the original and then go from there. Jewel Staite was pretty good, is she in the update? NO! The director was all right, is he back? NEGATIVO!
However, the Creature effects were hopelessly shameful and the script was caca. So, are the individuals responsible for those turds returning for the remake? YES, YES THEY ARE. Why do I have the feeling that I will be back here reviewing the remake? Because I’m psychic, just like the douche himself, John Edwards.
Do they really think that their idea was so original and great that they just can’t bare to move on to another project? Really? I don’t get it. So if the remake bombs then will Wall-ass decide to make the same damn movie for a third time? Maybe in the remake we can find out at the end that the kids all died in the wreck and the island is really limbo and the creatures are like sack-less demon thingies!
This is a very ‘been, there done that’ kind of movie. Nothing here feels original at all and it ends with the main chick getting off the island. Tah-daa!
I will now be channeling that which is Wall-ass Ballgozer the Gatekeeper with my cock-less oujii board.
If you’ve got some kind of mad crush on Jewel Staite then please go on and see this flick, otherwise just watch Olivia Munn in Insanitarium.
I’m going with a safe 5 out of 10 on the Uwe Boll-Omiter. It gave me Roid rage. Nothing to do with steroids, but it made my other Roids attack my Gooch Monkey with a ferocity that was unparalleled by all but the ancient ones.
Why you NEED to see this movie: at exactly 27:24 Jewel Staite takes a piss and you get to hear her shit farts. I am dead serious about this actually being in the movie. TERROR UNFEIGNED!!
Why you don’t need to see this movie: Casper Van Dien isn’t in it, but he is in Skeleton Man, Dracula 3000 and Slayer.
6 degrees to Uwe:
Kellan Lutz from the Tribe was also in Twilight with Jackson Rathbone
Jackson was in S. Darko with Matthew Davis
Matthew Davis was in Bloodrayne directed by Uwe MFing Boll!
And all four of those movies blew goat.
Next Time: Ferguson asks ‘What the hell happened to Daryl Hannah’s face!?’ with The Devil’s Ground (AKA The Cycle)
Doctor’s Rounds 08: For part eight, Jason Voorhees took Manhattan. I, on the other hand, took my sweet time!
INGLORIOUS Reviews for QT’s Latest: There are only a few subjects that truly divide the masses. Religion is one. Capital punishment is also in there. Quentin Tarantino is without a doubt a firm addition to that list. So I shall tread carefully, keep this brief and reserve my own opinions for a future occasion.
It has to be said that QT’s new movie INGLORIOUS BASTERDS, has looked fairly promising to date. Posters were appropriately witty and trailers promised a return to boys-own Nazi-era adventuring. However, reviews from the film’s premier at Cannes clearly suggest filing the end product under “P”. For “pure crap”, that is.
In fact, I understand that a bootleg copy is already on it’s way to our own Ferguson for his unique brand of viewing pleasure!
How bad can it be? Well, The Guardian’s movie critic referred to the world’s first screening of the movie with the immortal line, “[QT’s] new film arrived like some colossal armour-plated turkey from hell”. Ah.
But at least the London Telegraph was slightly more positive, stating the movie was, “not so much inglorious as undistinguished.” Ouch.
So, after the tepid reaction to DEATH PROOF and now this critical slaughtering, the big question is whether Quentin still had that special mojo that set the world alight in the mid 90’s? What do you think?
DESCENT PART 2 Not so Decent?: Speaking of early reviews, Aint It Cool News recently posted one of the first reviews of the upcoming sequel to Neil Marshall’s sleeper classic THE DESCENT. Unfortunately, if this preview is reliable, it looks to be an unimaginative rehash of the original. If so, that’d be a real shame.
The first had me clenched in claustrophobic catatonia (god bless alliteration) before having me instantly shit my load during the now famous night vision reveal. Those who’ve listened to the commentaries will know that most of that skill in execution was courtesy of uber-editor Jon Harris… who has debuted his directing skills with DESCENT PART 2.
Click here for the (spoiler heavy) review: http://www.aintitcool.com/node/41010
I personally think that this could still be a fun time. Most of my favourite horror movies are cheap-ass sequels that you can throw on to enjoy with a few beers, and this sounds just that kind of flick – obvious example being Cameron’s ALIENS to Scott’s ALIEN (although perhaps a tad lower market!). Couple that with the fact that everything Marshall has been involved with to date has been first class… well, maybe not DOOMSDAY…?
Porno star in PIRANHA 3D: Alexandre Aja makes great horror movies. This is fact. Piranha’s are the baddest fish in any pond. Also fact. And yet I had 0% interest in Aja’s next movie, PIRANHA. Even the added incentive of 3D (which could work best for a killer fish film than any other) didn’t have me even curious. But now? I’m there opening night.
In an obvious move to coax my hard earned cash out of my usually ninja-tight grip, Aja’s gone ahead and cast adult movie star Riley Steele into a leading role! Yes, I’m actually that shallow.
Steele’s obviously got plenty of experience in front of the camera, but quite how this will prepare her for a starring role alongside Oscar nominee Elisabeth Shue, Oscar winner Richard Dreyfuss or Ving Rhames is yet to be seen. Probably best that she focus on the fact that former glamour model Kelly Brook is also featuring.
In fact, I’m not ashamed to admit that I’ll probably spend most of the running time focusing on that very fact.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
We're thinking that the main reason that they're going so long is that we've got two weeks of voicemails and feedback to get into coupled with the fact that we have some more time to prepare with the 2 week frequency.
So, here are some of the options we came up with:
1. Don't change anything, just keep putting out a long-ass show.
2. Record two shows in a single night. We could handle that a couple of different ways:
- Do two completely separate topics and split up the voicemails. We would probably have to only do two movies per episode in this case.
- We could make every show a two-parter. We could split the feedback up into one part and the meat into the other part.
- We could make every show a two-parter but split up the voicemails and treat each show as it's own with feedback and meat.
- We could just play it by ear and decide how to do it based on how we think the show is going to go.
If we did the two show option (whether it be to create two separate shows or two-part shows) what you think we should do to release them? We could release them as soon as I get them edited, or we could hold one back a week. Don't know if that matters, but what are your opinions?
I was going to put up a poll to have a vote, but I think that there are too many options.
Let us know what you think by leaving a comment on this article.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Pardon the sound quality in this first episode. We had some technical difficulties. Trust me, it will get better!
If that doesn't work, try HERE.
Lastly, don't forget to enter the awesome DBPN Contest!
As usual we go over some feedback... Sam threatens to fax some interesting pics on Man on the Street, and we also give a tribute to a very deserving person.
As many of you know, we're a proud member of the Douchebag Podcasting Network. Right now, we are asking for your help! We're running a contest and the prize is Stephen's (JAFMP) copy of Brutal Massacre. He has no taste and thinks that this film is bad whereas I really enjoyed it.
All you have to do is fill in the dialog boxes and come up with what this couple is discussing. Here is the official blurb:
As you can see, our banner was derived from an actual vintage douche advertisement. But I think this can be funnier, dammit! So our first ever DBPN contest! Email us at email@example.com with the funniest fill-in-the-blank-balloons you can come up with. Winner will be decided by majority vote of DBPN members on June 15th, 2009. The winner will receive, appropriately enough, a movie made by douche bags. No, not THE GRAND HORROR. The winner will receive Stephen’s very own copy of BRUTAL MASSACRE. LMB, MFs.
As you can see, there is much at stake, so visit this link to submit your entries!
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
I've not read the X-Men comics (or any variation thereof) for a good few years. And yet even I know that Wolverine has, to date, been portrayed in both video games and movies as a watered down version of the very old, very bitter and ruthlessly violent bastard he's intended to be.
And it's clear to all that Hugh Jackman is essentially an overly handsome Australian who prefers his adamantium claws on the end of a nice pair of jazz-hands.
But the stoopidly titled X-MEN ORIGINS: WOLVERINE, UNCAGED EDITION (is there any other edition one wonders?) is a clear attempt to convince fans that Jackman is indeed ‘the man’ - the cover is nothing but his face.
However - and more importantly for us horror fans - the other lesson to be learned here is that indestructible claws protruding from the knuckle are indeed pretty sharp and incredibly deadly.
Playing as the titular (ha! - I typed 'tit') mutant, the game sees you dismember, decapitate and castrate hundreds of enemies in glorious high definition in your bid for freedom and revenge. Although in reality you can only do two of those three things.
On to game-play… Accessible and well executed combat allows Wolverine to carve his way through a screen full of bad-guys without too much effort. For far-away enemies, ‘Lunge’ moves allow the player to target an individual and dramatically dive across the screen before landing claw-first on the target’s chest or face. Get up-close and there’s no difficulty in subjecting a world of pain on those in your path.
Wolverine isn’t spared punishment of course, and his body visibly disintegrates with each hit he takes. This can sometimes result in
Production values are as high as one would expect from a movie tie-in game, which usually have barrels of cash thrown in their general direction. Both Hugh and Liev lend their voice talent and whilst all other cast members from the movie are missing, the vocals are impressive regardless. Graphics are also high calibre (um… did he mean calibER? –Mike). In-game visuals for both character models and environments are impressive but a selected number of cinematics obviously received extra attention, being ultra-slick and spookily lifelike.
Complaints could include the eventual repetitiveness of gameplay, linear level design and lack of multi-player. But this is like complaining that your indestructible skeleton is the wrong shade of silver for your liking.
In short, this game is pleasantly accessible, surprisingly bloody and very, very satisfying. Buy it. Buy it now.
Every 100 years the spirit of Pocahauntus returns to kill the descendents of those that killed her people, or her ‘ancestors’ as she refers to them (ya, try to figure that out). This is the story of some lame cliché characters that are all invited to a camp and killed by the vengeful spirit of the titular character. It takes place in the dry dead backwoods of Virginia, or perhaps a part of Virginia that looks exactly like the foothills of Southern California. Really? Everyone in Virginia has California plates and Yucca grows all over out there. Hmmm, I guess I need to get out more. Well, that’s about it. So, now begins our discussion of this unique study into the pain threshold of the human mind.
Poca is played by a cross-eyed version of Angela from Sleepaway camp, seriously I know they make corrective lenses for that, they even made a whole movie about it called May. This is one of your typical low budget failed attempts at a horror comedy. No actual comedy is found here and there is never a moment of horror. It feels more like a group of strangers making up a story on the spot for a student film. No bad movie would be complete without shots of visual boom mike, boom mike shadow, camera and ‘crew’ reflection, redneck spittle on camera lens, and even the sound of the camera operator ‘operating’ the camera. Things get so intense you can actually hear the ‘director’ speaking to the ‘actors’ and telling the camera person what to film. There’s even a voice overdub so bad that the director coaching the actor can be heard in the right side mix.
And these were the relatively better moments…
A note to whoever played guitar on this soundtrack: please stop.
Yes, you are right; this movie does look like your unattractive neighbors homemade porn WITHOUT any actual porn. There is more drool in this movie then fake blood. In fact, the amount of blood contained in this ‘massacre’ would be appropriately called a driblet. To add insult to injury there is no full on bona fide Man-junk-inas but you do get a half chub in heart boxers, but upon listening to the commentary I found out it was just a banana (honestly) and not a real dong. That’s just irresponsible filmmaking, if your not man enough (literally) to sport some wood then leave it to the pros. However there was a special appearance of a package from what appears to be a middle-aged man in a silver sequined adult diaper. Class. There is a short scene of female nudity from the single most strung out and smack-ridden person ever. I would joke more about her obvious level of drug induced numbness, but considering a few year after the movie was made she died of an overdose, I would feel a little bad. Hopefully no one in this movie will die from absence of talent… then I would feel really bad.
If you’re still not convinced that you should stay far away from this movie then I will further inform you about the commentary track contained on its DVD release. The director and a few others drool over the flick (like teen girls over sparkly ‘vampires’) for the full course of the movie. Laughing their asses off and even repeating lines of dialogue that they believe are just too damn funny to allow them to be said only once. It’s like watching America’s funniest home videos, the videos aren’t funny, and the host sure as hell ain’t got comedic talent worth a shit, so why’s the audience laughing? WHY IS THE AUDIENCE LAUGHING?! They draw comparisons between this movie and the likes of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Star Wars. Then they breathe unhealthily heavy into the mic. It’s called a pop screen, look into it.
I can find nothing in this movie that would be considered a redeeming quality. The only thing I can really say for it is that the idea of a killer PocaHauntUs is pretty good and could have been far better in more capable hands.
It has to be done, so here we go
I AWARD THIS MOVIE A 10 OUT OF 10 ON THE UWE BOLL-OMITER. There is NOTHING entertaining about it. There is only pain. This movie may actually cause involuntary death.
Do not see it under any circumstances.
Next Week: Ferguson goes tropical for Jewel Staite in:
The Forgotten Ones (AKA The Tribe)