Saturday, July 25, 2009

Website Moving!

In the next couple of days, the Cadaver Lab website will be changing homes. We've decided that we're going to go to a Wordpress installation. This will not only save us some cash, but it will save us a bunch of time.

So, the site will look similar, but there will be subtle differences. The main difference will be that all of the links will be found in the left column instead of across the top. There will be all the awesome wordpress features like post categories, search by date, and an overall search for the site.

Do not worry! We are not making any changes to the forums at all!

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Ferguson Takes One for the Team: Flu Birds

Ferguson Takes One For The Team Presents:

Flu Birds
(AKA: The Flu Bird Horror)

Alright, let’s be honest for a moment here, I really should have known better and stayed far away from this poopshoot of a movie, but I is dumbers and in hindsight this was a very bad idea.

A gonzo gang of some kooky birds, which I have ascertained to be roosters (or as there known in the ‘the business’, a flock of cocks) get mutated by some crazy wack-a-doodle ‘Flu’ and magically turn into pterodactyls! This apparently happened at some unknown time before the movie and unfortunately it is never really explained. Man, I could of used some back-story, because this complex schematic of a plot was just way to hard to digest on its own.

We begin with some backwoods yokels going hunting (the almighty movies tell me that’s all they do and I believe the movies) and well, they die, attacked by an over abundance of cheesy zooming crane shots and some Sega Genesis pterodactyl thingies.

Then we meet our really cool group of society’s outcasts played by some Jesus camp all-stars. For a bunch of hard ass young criminals, there is surprisingly very little swearing. I’m not sure, they look cool, rebel against the councilor, make fun of the fat kid so ya, I’m pretty sure they’re bible school prodigies. To bad this must be the edited version, I think they should have shown the whole campfire talent show the night before, even though as always (Jebus willing) everyone’s’ talent is just Jonas brothers lip syncs. And of course there’s the pretty girl and the not as pretty girl, so which one do you think curses us with her side boob? So, these hip ‘teens’ inevitably get attacked by our heroes of the movie, the Flu Cocks.

There are three variations of the Flu Cocks (proof of Darwinism?), first is the CGI Cock which looks like shit, and not the good kind of shit with corn. Second is the Man-in-a-suit Cock which looks amazingly like a, well, Man in a Flu Cock suit. Lastly is the Stunt Cock, which is a complex contraption of a bird head on a stick. The film makers keep it fresh so you never know which one you’re gonna get next.

Nothing ROCKS as hard as some 20 something’s acting like underage kids that are hard asses. Well maybe rap metal does, but I’m not sure. I would blame Fred Durst for that abomination, but according to everyone I know Elvis or the Beatles did everything first, so you tell me, Sebastian Haff or Ringo? Who gets the kick in the balls for inventing that crap? Okay, back to the movie; Usually it should be a prerequisite to actually have held a cigarette before you are in a movie acting like you can take a drag form one, and don’t get me started on them really inhaling. I guarantee they had to stop filming for a week because they got head and tummy achies from the resulting nicky buzz and the one guy that didn’t hold the cigarette was definitely close enough for a contact high. That’s just unfortunate, the truth campaign would not approve.

If you’re gonna be the badass longhaired leader of societies outcasts (or Jesus campers), then you should probably not be bitchscrawny like Randy Quaids lanky son in Independence Day. Our group of fearless douchebjorns is rounded out with a white rapper, the (token) black guy, the fat kid, the computer geek, the slut, and the hot misunderstood (not really a) bad girl, so this time Dawson goes to the creek and Katie Holmes’ Hubbard induced rock tit is all like, oh wait sorry I got mixed up there, anyway this is some really heavy atypical stuff.

Two separate stories are both attempting to cellmate rape your brain cells here, one is the unthinkably douchy troubled ‘teens’ being attacked by the pterodactyls, or sorry, I mean the flu enhanced flying cocks, and the other story is the scientists that are all getting super avian cock flu and being quarantined by some mall security guards. Neither of these stories goes anywhere and they are both equally annoying. Of course, in the end the two stories collide and the results are less than stellar, some built up gas is ignited with the intention of killing the flu cocks. It may or may not have worked; I guess we will never know because it is impossible to give a shit about this movie by its inevitably wretched final frame.

On the bright side, at 46 minutes in you get a guest appearance of the rainman as a security guard ranting “halt, we’ll shoot, turn back, definitely Wapner”. Okay, I admit I may have added that last part, but you try watching a movie that numbs your mind to the point that you actually begin to ponder if you could really smoke a cigar in your butthole. I think I would have to practice the uptake a little more. Don’t you worry; I’ve got the exhale down like a criminal. I say cigar for my anus, because I’m a real man and I could take it, besides cigarettes are for pussies.

After everything is said and done and the credits roll, all we’re left with is the wonderful feeling of being let down. This movie was just a bad idea from its inception (or insertion), kind of like inventing a robot that makes Amish people.

The Music was composed by Alan Howarth and I have to ask, what in the hell happened to this guy; he really lost whatever it was that he once had. And I think what he had was being friends with Carpenter. He was special, kinda like the keyboardist for the Buggles, but damn it, Alan sure as shit lost it. As for the Buggles guy, well let’s just say he ain’t doing too bad for himself, look it up, I dare you.

Why you should see this movie: if there are two things you just can’t get enough of, it’s Flu Cocks and Flu Cocks!

Why you should never see this movie: Geordi La Forge will kick your ever-living ass if you think watching this is a good idea! He kicked mine. And don’t just take my word for it…

This movie ranks in at a 7 out of 10 on the Uwe Bollomiter, it was really bad, in fact watching this movie was like going through puberty again, my voice cracked, my nads took on the appearance of chewbacca, I attended Hogwarts and got my wand stuck in a Longbottom, my nipples hurt, and I think I may have accidentally found out I was a dumpster baby.

6 degrees to Uwe!

Clare Carey was kind of almost hot in Flu Birds
Clare was also in Smokin’ Aces with The Immortally Radical Ray Liotta
Ray was probably the worst evil wizard ever in In The Name Of The King: A Dungeon Siege Tale by Uwe “the suckshack” Boll!

Next time Ferguson is manhandled by Dead Noon.

Sam Raimi rumored to be involved with WOW film?

I realize that this is kind of strange timing... at least for me. I just got done with my 10 day free trial playing WOW (World of Warcraft for the uninitiated... and me a few months ago). This morning I found an article that says that after he finishes directing Spiderman 4, Raimi will direct a screen adaptation of WOW... Here is the article!

Monday, July 20, 2009

End of the World Part 2

I just published the second article on Anthony E. Larson's trilogy about the end of the world. His second book goes in to more detail around the theory of Catastrophism, where you can see it in history and the bible, and what may happen to us humans when the end comes. There are explanations for the Ice Age, and the Chicago fire of 1871 that are very interesting. Check it out HERE.

Thursday, July 16, 2009


We here at the Cadaver Lab have such a treat for you! We've found a picture of this extraordinarily handsome man. Not only is this man very handsome, he is one of the greatest celebrities of all time. The only problem is that his talent and handsomeness have been wasted because he has only been in one movie.

We're going to do a contest involving this photo. If you can identify this man, you will get an awesome prize package from the Cadaver Lab!

We've created a thread in the forums to place your guesses!

Monday, July 13, 2009

The End of the World?

The conversations are flowing around December 21st, 2012 - the end of the Mayan calendar. Doomsday lovers everywhere are gearing up for a party like none other, and we are still 2 1/2 years away! There's even a movie coming out made by the same awesome team that brought us "The Day after Tomorrow", about this date and what is going to happen.

I read some information about it and while there is some intrigue about this date, most experts think its like an odometer starting over. There are cycles and phases and all sorts of stuff, but still, there are some interesting things around this date. I read some books written by a local author about Catastrophism which is the belief that catastrophies have shaped some of the events described in the Bible and other ancient texts. I have written a review of this book here.

I'd be interested to see if we have any doomsdayers here. Let me know what you think is going to happen to end it all.

Doctor's Rounds 09

Doctor's Rounds 09: Guess who's back... back again... something something... tell a friend. Presenting for your readership, an all-new edition of Doctor's Rounds! Fresh outta the box like a shiny special edition Blu-ray, a pair of sturdy leather shoes, or Jacko's carcass for a "second opinion" (too soon?). Let's get on with it ,shall we...?

NIGHTMARE over already: It seems like mere weeks since we learned who would be helming the NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET redux for Platinum Dunes. It also doesn't seem that long ago that Jackie Earle Haley was announced as the FREDDY KRUEGER for a new generation. And yet, on Friday July 10th, producer Brad Fuller Twittered that filming had indeed wrapped and post-production was underway.

Now I've never made a movie in my life... well a horror movie anyway... but it doesn't take much to see that Fuller and co. must have shot that shit on the fly to be done already! If I was an optimist, I would say that this could mean that the script was tighter than a fish’s arse going into shooting (water tight) making things easy and efficient to get in the can. However, I'm a pessimist and have a feeling it's more likely that a huge percentage of work is still to be done as post-production... likely using those special effects machines that create video game dream-worlds and rubbish fake blood.

All we can hope for is that the storyline and screenplay don't conform to the Platinum Dunes trend of having more ugly kinks that Mega(n) Fox's thumbs. A promised peak at the goods (NIGHTMARE's not Megan's) during this year's Comic Con will no doubt shed more light on things.

BLADE prequel/spin-off trilogy: It's pretty much accepted that the only cool thing about the BLADE movies was... err... BLADE. Wesley Snipes brought us the most badass character since Snake Plissken. Everything in those movies merely existed to be smashed by him and all other characters simply turned up to have their balls soundly kicked up into their gut by the half-vampire with a shit-eating grin. So needless to say, this news baffles me...

Pint sized actor Stephen Dorff stated sometime last year that a prequel to the BLADE films was being planned and that the story arc would follow Deacon Frost's rise to power. For whatever reason the story re-emerged only for BLADE director Stephen Norrington to confirm that this is indeed that case, and that "the concept has evolved into a very interesting story".

Just one question from me: who gives a crap? I know Hollywood is suffering a bout of writer's block, but really? This is the best they have? Can't we have BLADE 4 already? With talent like Dorff (ALONE IN THE DARK, PROM NIGHT '08) and Norrington (LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEMEN, upcoming and likely shite CROW remake) involved, this can only go one way... direct to DVD. Or am I being harsh?

UK set for another BLITZ: Lionsgate UK have announced that they are finalising negotiations with Jason 'The Stath' Statham to star in a horror-thriller, BLITZ. The film will see Statham hunt down a serial killer targeting cops (or police officers as us polite Brits refer to them). There's no news as to whether Statham's shirt will make an appearance so it's sensible to assume at least 70% of the running time will feature his abs also.

I have to admit to being a big fan of anything Statham shows up for. Part of my admiration is due to him being a reminder of the (almost lost) true action star who recognises his strengths and plays on them to great effect. Part of me loves the fact that the new Steven Seagal or Van Damme has turned out to be a cockney dive board pro. But mostly, it's because I fear him finding me and beating me to a mass of tender flesh-pulp before stealing my (suspiciously co-operative) wife if he hears of me not liking his films.

So long for now!

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Cadaver Lab Episode 36: Hail to the Bruce

You may be asking yourself why the hell it took the Cadaver Lab so damn long to dedicate a show to the man who they obviously are huge fans of? To that we say... Don't worry about it. Leave us alone! Just kidding.

We choose three gems for this episode. Sundown: The Vampire in Retreat, My Name is Bruce, and Bubba Ho-Tep.

We also dedicate the music to Dave from the Cheap and Dirty Podcast. All Black Metal!!! Man that guy's lust for metal is insatiable.

As usual, we go over listener voicemails and we've got a nice Tribute for you.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Which Harry do you like?

Steven Thompson over at JAFMP turned me on to a series called The Dresden Files by Jim Butcher. It's a series for adult readers who probably enjoy the Harry Potter series but are looking for something with a more explicit story line. I imagine this to be what Harry Potter would be doing as an adult.

Anyway, check out my article on the Examiner website Here


Just signed up for Facebook! Not quite sure exactly how to use it, but make sure to shoot over a friends request! Unless I have already found you!

Name: Mike Cadaver Lab

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Ferguson Takes one for the Team: Platoon of the Dead

Ferguson Takes One For The Team Presents: Platoon of the Dead

Holy shit!
Written and directed by The John Bowker Experience.
J.R. Bookwalter gets an Exec. Producer Credit and well, I guess once you’ve seen the movie then that’s really no surprise. This flick is distributed by our righteous friends at Tempe Video.

Dude, where do I begin with this cock-knocking masterpiece…

Grown men run around the back woods of BFN Oregon with Star Wars toy blasters (no, really I should know, I bought one for my kid last year, same damn thing except my kids’ makes a cooler sound) and shoot CGI ‘Lasers’ at what may or may not be zombies, they are just people with white makeup on their faces, so maybe the world is just being overrun with pale goths. They probably got mad that Twilight ruined the Vampire so they rose up and conquered the human race. Before the deaths begins, I will be the first to announce that I am indeed a Goth sympathizer, please start this Robert Smith induced massacre elsewhere because I will infiltrate and turn over any resistance forces oh great depressed ones.

Back to the movie, three ballsy Marines (in nice new army fatigues) get ambushed in the woods and find a house with three chicks and then the lusty hot pale Oregon orgy begins! No, I jest, there is no whoopee here, only a longhaired metal head lieutenant and some kick ass zombie mayhem in a house with some Jesus mural door beads! When we are introduced to the first of the three ‘marines’, I think his name was private Vagina or something like that, well anyway Vagina tries to radio the other members of his platoon over what is actually an old turned off cell phone HELD UPSIDE DOWN, damn those budget cuts to our military. When will those meat weasels learn!? Oh, the humanity!

The Metal Head Lieutenant (played by one Chris Keown) is the shit, and I am dead serious about that, I loved this guy! Unfortunately this appears to be his only film credit to date, here’s to hoping that he keeps rocking the B-movie shaft madness. The last of the three Marines is some smartass southern sounding comic relief guy called Sergeant Shirtless Wonder or something like that. It’s the simple fact that all of his chauvinist comments are totally unfunny which actually makes them pretty damn laughable, it’s like watching a clubfoot try to skateboard… everybody wins!

As for our hot chicks, well one can’t talk, one’s just kinda there for no reason, and the other one’s actually a demon, so truth be told Private Vagina’s odds of getting laid are looking almost as good as boot camp. There is however, a cornucopia of freckles. It’s a fact that you have to put cheese on your burger, right? It makes it infinitely better, well same rules apply to freckles on cleavage! Perhaps that’s why I am so attracted to Carrot Top, I’ll have to read up in my copy of Sylvia Browne’s Animals on the Other Side about why that is, but rest assured that it most definitely is. Did you also happen to know that apparently demonic bitches go apeshit over their pot roasts? Well they do, so don’t try putting any of that chick’s deli platter in your mouth without asking first. Speaking of which, let’s now discuss the more important aspect of this or any other movie: The Nudity.

Nudity, ha! Dream on perverts, that’s just another thing they couldn’t afford, but in their defense, nobody wants to see any of these people naked… well, maybe just a little bit. Shirtless Wonder does spend a good deal of time near the end, well, shirtless and tied up courtesy of our demon bitch who now has some Playstation code scribbled on her face, something like up, up, circle, triangle, square, etc. I think it might be some unlockable secret to the Sims, but I’m not sure, again I will have to consult my copy of Sylvia Browne’s Tools for Life DVD on that one.

These zombies evaporate after being shot with a toy blaster ‘laser’ and dear lord, when cut, they actually bleed peanut butter. Take a lesson from Private Vagina and lieutenant Metal Head if you want to get laid, you bleed legume! Shirtless Wonder even takes the time to chop a zombie up in the tool shed and gets peanut butter spunk squirted all over his Burt Reynolds-esque chest. He’s all hairy and covered in peanut butter, you know like your mom. Bam!

I don’t know how this movie can be so bad and make me enjoy the hell out of it as much as I did. So, in the end Shirtless gets de-cocked, Metal Head goes out in a Bon Jovi-esque-perfect-mane-of-hair blaze of glory, and finally Vagina gets to ride in a sweet new mini van and wins the war by littering and throwing his toy blaster out onto the side of the road.

There is not a single line spoken throughout the entire film that is natural or even sounds like it isn’t read by a beauty pageant contestant, but that is exactly what this movies’ allure is all about. It’s bad; in fact it’s really bad. Full on Craptacular, but somehow that’s what’s so damn entertaining. I think a lot of it had to do with nostalgia for me. This movie harkened back to the lost art of funny-because-they-weren’t-trying-to-be B-movie making I grew up with as a kid. Hell, a movie like this used to pop up every Friday and Saturday night on cable and I watched every single one. The key to making these Z-grade movies work and likable is all in the actors, if they are likable people then it translates on the screen. If they are pure assholes trying to be cool and make a movie then ya, IT’S OBVIOUS and the movie sucks regardless of the writing. In the end I really liked this one, it ends up being really enjoyable like a good dream induced EMHO.

You get a little cameraman reflection in the window and some boom mic shadow, but surprisingly that’s about it. I was really hoping for more, but you do the best ya can with what little ya got, right Mike and Sam?

So then down to business…
Why you should see this movie: There is an abundance of kick ass midi oboe all over the sweet stereophonic audio mix, so crank those woofers you dirty hatchet wounds!

Why you shouldn’t see this movie: all that peanut butter might excite your dog… again.

References to Cock in this review: half a bakers dozen.

References to Snatch in this review: 8 (Mike and Sam only count as one. One lip each that is.)

This movie ranks in at a 3 out of 10 on the Uwe Boll-omiter: it made me retain water to the point that my cankles looked awful and I decided to not go to my high school reunion and dump pigs blood on that psychic bitch that smells like beef stew. I hate that whore.

6 degrees to UWE!

  • Ariauna Albright from Platoon of the Dead was in The Dead Hate The Living with Matthew “Tiny” McGrory.
  • Matthew was in The Devil’s Rejects with P.J. Soles, Bill Moseley and Danny Trejo
  • P.J., Bill, & Danny were all in Alone in the Dark II with Zack Ward
  • Zack was in Postal directed by Uwe “ach mein gott what a package” Boll!

Next time: Ferguson gets his avian freak on with Flu Birds!