Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Ferguson Takes One for the Team: Flu Birds

Ferguson Takes One For The Team Presents:

Flu Birds
(AKA: The Flu Bird Horror)

Alright, let’s be honest for a moment here, I really should have known better and stayed far away from this poopshoot of a movie, but I is dumbers and in hindsight this was a very bad idea.

A gonzo gang of some kooky birds, which I have ascertained to be roosters (or as there known in the ‘the business’, a flock of cocks) get mutated by some crazy wack-a-doodle ‘Flu’ and magically turn into pterodactyls! This apparently happened at some unknown time before the movie and unfortunately it is never really explained. Man, I could of used some back-story, because this complex schematic of a plot was just way to hard to digest on its own.

We begin with some backwoods yokels going hunting (the almighty movies tell me that’s all they do and I believe the movies) and well, they die, attacked by an over abundance of cheesy zooming crane shots and some Sega Genesis pterodactyl thingies.

Then we meet our really cool group of society’s outcasts played by some Jesus camp all-stars. For a bunch of hard ass young criminals, there is surprisingly very little swearing. I’m not sure, they look cool, rebel against the councilor, make fun of the fat kid so ya, I’m pretty sure they’re bible school prodigies. To bad this must be the edited version, I think they should have shown the whole campfire talent show the night before, even though as always (Jebus willing) everyone’s’ talent is just Jonas brothers lip syncs. And of course there’s the pretty girl and the not as pretty girl, so which one do you think curses us with her side boob? So, these hip ‘teens’ inevitably get attacked by our heroes of the movie, the Flu Cocks.

There are three variations of the Flu Cocks (proof of Darwinism?), first is the CGI Cock which looks like shit, and not the good kind of shit with corn. Second is the Man-in-a-suit Cock which looks amazingly like a, well, Man in a Flu Cock suit. Lastly is the Stunt Cock, which is a complex contraption of a bird head on a stick. The film makers keep it fresh so you never know which one you’re gonna get next.

Nothing ROCKS as hard as some 20 something’s acting like underage kids that are hard asses. Well maybe rap metal does, but I’m not sure. I would blame Fred Durst for that abomination, but according to everyone I know Elvis or the Beatles did everything first, so you tell me, Sebastian Haff or Ringo? Who gets the kick in the balls for inventing that crap? Okay, back to the movie; Usually it should be a prerequisite to actually have held a cigarette before you are in a movie acting like you can take a drag form one, and don’t get me started on them really inhaling. I guarantee they had to stop filming for a week because they got head and tummy achies from the resulting nicky buzz and the one guy that didn’t hold the cigarette was definitely close enough for a contact high. That’s just unfortunate, the truth campaign would not approve.

If you’re gonna be the badass longhaired leader of societies outcasts (or Jesus campers), then you should probably not be bitchscrawny like Randy Quaids lanky son in Independence Day. Our group of fearless douchebjorns is rounded out with a white rapper, the (token) black guy, the fat kid, the computer geek, the slut, and the hot misunderstood (not really a) bad girl, so this time Dawson goes to the creek and Katie Holmes’ Hubbard induced rock tit is all like, oh wait sorry I got mixed up there, anyway this is some really heavy atypical stuff.

Two separate stories are both attempting to cellmate rape your brain cells here, one is the unthinkably douchy troubled ‘teens’ being attacked by the pterodactyls, or sorry, I mean the flu enhanced flying cocks, and the other story is the scientists that are all getting super avian cock flu and being quarantined by some mall security guards. Neither of these stories goes anywhere and they are both equally annoying. Of course, in the end the two stories collide and the results are less than stellar, some built up gas is ignited with the intention of killing the flu cocks. It may or may not have worked; I guess we will never know because it is impossible to give a shit about this movie by its inevitably wretched final frame.

On the bright side, at 46 minutes in you get a guest appearance of the rainman as a security guard ranting “halt, we’ll shoot, turn back, definitely Wapner”. Okay, I admit I may have added that last part, but you try watching a movie that numbs your mind to the point that you actually begin to ponder if you could really smoke a cigar in your butthole. I think I would have to practice the uptake a little more. Don’t you worry; I’ve got the exhale down like a criminal. I say cigar for my anus, because I’m a real man and I could take it, besides cigarettes are for pussies.

After everything is said and done and the credits roll, all we’re left with is the wonderful feeling of being let down. This movie was just a bad idea from its inception (or insertion), kind of like inventing a robot that makes Amish people.

The Music was composed by Alan Howarth and I have to ask, what in the hell happened to this guy; he really lost whatever it was that he once had. And I think what he had was being friends with Carpenter. He was special, kinda like the keyboardist for the Buggles, but damn it, Alan sure as shit lost it. As for the Buggles guy, well let’s just say he ain’t doing too bad for himself, look it up, I dare you.

Why you should see this movie: if there are two things you just can’t get enough of, it’s Flu Cocks and Flu Cocks!

Why you should never see this movie: Geordi La Forge will kick your ever-living ass if you think watching this is a good idea! He kicked mine. And don’t just take my word for it…

This movie ranks in at a 7 out of 10 on the Uwe Bollomiter, it was really bad, in fact watching this movie was like going through puberty again, my voice cracked, my nads took on the appearance of chewbacca, I attended Hogwarts and got my wand stuck in a Longbottom, my nipples hurt, and I think I may have accidentally found out I was a dumpster baby.

6 degrees to Uwe!

Clare Carey was kind of almost hot in Flu Birds
Clare was also in Smokin’ Aces with The Immortally Radical Ray Liotta
Ray was probably the worst evil wizard ever in In The Name Of The King: A Dungeon Siege Tale by Uwe “the suckshack” Boll!

Next time Ferguson is manhandled by Dead Noon.

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