Ferguson Takes one for the Team: PocaHauntUs!

Ferguson Takes One For The Team


This Week:

PocaHauntUs

Dear Reader,


Every 100 years the spirit of Pocahauntus returns to kill the descendents of those that killed her people, or her ‘ancestors’ as she refers to them (ya, try to figure that out). This is the story of some lame cliché characters that are all invited to a camp and killed by the vengeful spirit of the titular character. It takes place in the dry dead backwoods of Virginia, or perhaps a part of Virginia that looks exactly like the foothills of Southern California. Really? Everyone in Virginia has California plates and Yucca grows all over out there. Hmmm, I guess I need to get out more. Well, that’s about it. So, now begins our discussion of this unique study into the pain threshold of the human mind.

Poca is played by a cross-eyed version of Angela from Sleepaway camp, seriously I know they make corrective lenses for that, they even made a whole movie about it called May. This is one of your typical low budget failed attempts at a horror comedy. No actual comedy is found here and there is never a moment of horror. It feels more like a group of strangers making up a story on the spot for a student film. No bad movie would be complete without shots of visual boom mike, boom mike shadow, camera and ‘crew’ reflection, redneck spittle on camera lens, and even the sound of the camera operator ‘operating’ the camera. Things get so intense you can actually hear the ‘director’ speaking to the ‘actors’ and telling the camera person what to film. There’s even a voice overdub so bad that the director coaching the actor can be heard in the right side mix.

And these were the relatively better moments…


A note to whoever played guitar on this soundtrack: please stop.


Yes, you are right; this movie does look like your unattractive neighbors homemade porn WITHOUT any actual porn. There is more drool in this movie then fake blood. In fact, the amount of blood contained in this ‘massacre’ would be appropriately called a driblet. To add insult to injury there is no full on bona fide Man-junk-inas but you do get a half chub in heart boxers, but upon listening to the commentary I found out it was just a banana (honestly) and not a real dong. That’s just irresponsible filmmaking, if your not man enough (literally) to sport some wood then leave it to the pros. However there was a special appearance of a package from what appears to be a middle-aged man in a silver sequined adult diaper. Class. There is a short scene of female nudity from the single most strung out and smack-ridden person ever. I would joke more about her obvious level of drug induced numbness, but considering a few year after the movie was made she died of an overdose, I would feel a little bad. Hopefully no one in this movie will die from absence of talent… then I would feel really bad.


If you’re still not convinced that you should stay far away from this movie then I will further inform you about the commentary track contained on its DVD release. The director and a few others drool over the flick (like teen girls over sparkly ‘vampires’) for the full course of the movie. Laughing their asses off and even repeating lines of dialogue that they believe are just too damn funny to allow them to be said only once. It’s like watching America’s funniest home videos, the videos aren’t funny, and the host sure as hell ain’t got comedic talent worth a shit, so why’s the audience laughing? WHY IS THE AUDIENCE LAUGHING?! They draw comparisons between this movie and the likes of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Star Wars. Then they breathe unhealthily heavy into the mic. It’s called a pop screen, look into it.


I can find nothing in this movie that would be considered a redeeming quality. The only thing I can really say for it is that the idea of a killer PocaHauntUs is pretty good and could have been far better in more capable hands.


It has to be done, so here we go


I AWARD THIS MOVIE A 10 OUT OF 10 ON THE UWE BOLL-OMITER. There is NOTHING entertaining about it. There is only pain. This movie may actually cause involuntary death.


Do not see it under any circumstances.


Next Week: Ferguson goes tropical for Jewel Staite in:

The Forgotten Ones (AKA The Tribe)