Ferguson Takes One For The Team: The Tribe: The Forgotten Brood

The Tribe: The Forgotten Brood
(AKA The Forgotten Ones)

A New Dimension in Terror
(Which was also the Tagline for Friday the 13th part 3 in 3D and Intruder (AKA Night Crew) from 1989.)

And away we go! This movie was filmed in 2006 and promptly was suppressed by the coolness police for massive amounts of contraband awesomeness… until now! Actually right after it was shot the filmmakers decided it wasn’t up to their elite and obviously amazing standards of entertainment, so they made the choice to hide this thing and actually begin to remake the film with a new director and cast. As far as I can tell it hasn’t received a Region 1 release as of yet, however thanks to a kind and loving god it is available on a fancy Region 2 disc. Finally my Region free player has payed off!!!!
REMAKE!

Co-written by the elusive non-entity known only as Wallace Balboa! Seriously, I gotta know who this cinematic genius is.

But wait there’s more!

This movie is called The Forgotten Ones or The Tribe: a story of a group of twenty-somethings that get shipwrecked on an island (and the hills of California) and are attacked by some kind of ancient unknown creatures. Starring Jewel Staite.

This spawned the remake:

The Lost Tribe: a remake of a story of a group of twenty-somethings that get shipwrecked on an island and are attacked by some kind of ancient unknown creatures. Starring Brianna Brown (Timber Falls and NOTLD 3D, yea she’s pretty, and Lance Henriksen)

http://www.rebelfilm.com/film/Rebel_Film/PROMO_TEASER_The_Lost_Tribe.html

(If you were wise enough to ask me, I would say the creatures look the same, but it appears they’ve stolen even more from The Descent. And they keep saying this will go theatrical!)

Which is being confused all over the internet with an Australian movie previously called The Lost Tribe and now renamed:

Primal: a story of a group of twenty-somethings that get shipwrecked on an island and become magically ‘infected’ and turn into ancient violent creatures that attack those that are not ‘infected’. Starring Zoe Tuckwell-Smith and some other Australian people you’ve never heard of, but scored by Bennett Salvay (Jeepers Creepers).

http://primalthemovie.com

(Did you guys see that movie about vampires in Alaska? That was way cool mate.)

To my utter disbelief, asylum pictures is NOT involved with any of these.


The German cover claims this is a movie in the tradition of The Descent and Predator, which we all know translates into English to mean these are just two of the fine movies they totally ripped off. In their defense, at least it didn’t read: In the tradition of The Cave and Xtro 3.

REMAKE!

And we begin in the most terrifying of places… the past! A group of dorks are all killed off by what are obviously the creatures that some current-day dorks will be killed by. Don’t be fooled, these creatures are smart; they can climb trees and stuff. You know you don’t mess with things that climb trees and stuff, that plus the fact they sound just like the Predator. Just don’t mess with that! Well, unless Dutch is around. Oh, wait is Dutch there? Nope? Didn’t think so. Then we are all screwed. Fix it next time around in the remake!

Next we jump to what appears to the untrained eye as a lost episode of Beverly Hills 90210 already in progress, and yes we do get a the highly anticipated boating/dancing/fat guy-in-thong montage to contemporary hip hop. Nicely done Wall-Ass Balboa. We are next introduced to our group of victims, the stuck-up rich girl, the jock, the cool guy, the annoying fat guy and the innocent main final girl played by Jewel Staite from Firefly/Serenity fame. But wait! You even get what is the most unconvincing shipwreck ever put on screen. God, even Pee-Wee’s nemesis Francis staged a better shipwreck during his bath time. That guy had some crunk boobies. There’s no need for me to relay to you the rest of the story, you could guess it and you would be completely right. The only relatively stand out thing here is the third act where our main lady Jewel grows a pair of brass ones and fights back. There’s even some great ninja wirework as Jewel gets her ass handed to her.

Boil it down and essentially this movie is the other side of Harry and the Hendersons. You see, Harry moved in with Lithgow and the Hendersons, but here we have his inbred hillbilly relatives with dreads and receding hairlines. You get to see where Harry came from and how he was limited until he left his job as a janitor at the local university (thanks Sean Maguire!) to see the world in suburbia. My biggest problem would have to be that these unclothed hillbilly ‘monsters’ had no primal junk! All eunuchs! I looked, I paused, I even zoomed in on that shit and they got nothing! Come on, I guarantee a super hairy primal beast man would have some massive tick-ridden vinegar-scented balls. I will refrain from spoiling the reveal about how wussy these things really are, but never fear it is dumb.

Yes, Wall-ass Ballgawker, this movie was not lackluster enough for my taste, I agree in spades.

I DEMAND A REMAKE!

But not all is as it appears here. Surprisingly this movie is actually not that bad. I would say it was about on level with a Sci Fi original picture, while dumb and uneven, it was kind of entertaining. They even take full advantage of all the latest technologies available; the sound of the ocean waves begins on the left side and actually moves to the right side! Dude, even Predator didn’t try that! Boo-Yah!

Okay, so now the real kick in the bits, you see when a filmmaker decides to remake their own film, for whatever reason, it would make perfect sense to retain the elements that worked in the original and then go from there. Jewel Staite was pretty good, is she in the update? NO! The director was all right, is he back? NEGATIVO!

However, the Creature effects were hopelessly shameful and the script was caca. So, are the individuals responsible for those turds returning for the remake? YES, YES THEY ARE. Why do I have the feeling that I will be back here reviewing the remake? Because I’m psychic, just like the douche himself, John Edwards.

Do they really think that their idea was so original and great that they just can’t bare to move on to another project? Really? I don’t get it. So if the remake bombs then will Wall-ass decide to make the same damn movie for a third time? Maybe in the remake we can find out at the end that the kids all died in the wreck and the island is really limbo and the creatures are like sack-less demon thingies!

This is a very ‘been, there done that’ kind of movie. Nothing here feels original at all and it ends with the main chick getting off the island. Tah-daa!

I will now be channeling that which is Wall-ass Ballgozer the Gatekeeper with my cock-less oujii board.

If you’ve got some kind of mad crush on Jewel Staite then please go on and see this flick, otherwise just watch Olivia Munn in Insanitarium.

THE PEOPLE HAVE SPOKEN, AND THEY DEMAND A REMAKE!

I’m going with a safe 5 out of 10 on the Uwe Boll-Omiter. It gave me Roid rage. Nothing to do with steroids, but it made my other Roids attack my Gooch Monkey with a ferocity that was unparalleled by all but the ancient ones.

Why you NEED to see this movie: at exactly 27:24 Jewel Staite takes a piss and you get to hear her shit farts. I am dead serious about this actually being in the movie. TERROR UNFEIGNED!!

Why you don’t need to see this movie: Casper Van Dien isn’t in it, but he is in Skeleton Man, Dracula 3000 and Slayer.

6 degrees to Uwe:

Kellan Lutz from the Tribe was also in Twilight with Jackson Rathbone

Jackson was in S. Darko with Matthew Davis

Matthew Davis was in Bloodrayne directed by Uwe MFing Boll!

And all four of those movies blew goat.

Next Time: Ferguson asks ‘What the hell happened to Daryl Hannah’s face!?’ with The Devil’s Ground (AKA The Cycle)