Ferguson Takes One for the Team: Guardians

Ferguson Takes One For The Team

This Week:

Guardians

HEY YOU GUUUUYYYYYYYSSSS!!!!!

Drew Maxwell, even the name sends chills down my junkspine. He has graced us with such cinematic ball sack gems as The Sleeper, Carnivorous and will soon unleash his latest fury, Dust (oh, dude! Even the name made me double check the lock on the front door!), hopefully this very Year! Here Drew gives us Guardians, an amazing movie experience that titillates on all fronts, Horror mixed WITH Action. Seriously, where do they come up with this stuff!? I wish I had cool ideas like this.

It begins with some quote and some flames or something like that and then we arrive! To a town called Silent Hill, oh wait, what? Okay, I mean Twilight Cove, but with all the fog (that’s scary!) and what not, I really got a little confused there. Anyways, people are getting ‘slaughtered’ by these really scary, evil, oh damn, I couldn’t even finish that one with a straight face. Apparently, some bad CGI ‘monsters’ escaped from the 90’s and wound up here, I didn’t catch their names, but luckily my 2 year old came to my aid and bestowed the title of BUGGY to our terrifying creatures… quite apt, if you ask me. What’s even better is if you kill a Buggy they flash Photoshop light in the most incredible way, just rewatch Poltergeist: The Legacy and you’ll see what they were trying to do.

Then we cut to a different movie where some guy, that looks oddly familiar somehow (maybe from a video game or something?), is killing some vampire chick. Oh, I wish I had great ideas for movies like this! So he finds her in a basement with sunlight coming through the windows. Personally I would have thought an ancient vampire would not have overlooked something like, oh I don’t know SHADES! Really? No Home Depot nearby? Weak sauce Drew, weak. So he opens the coffin to stake her in the heart and she’s so hot! You can see all her totally hot details because of the SUNLIGHT that shines right in on her…

Dude, really I lust for the ability to write awesomeness like this!

Our main man is none other than famed monster killer Alex Lovecraft! Part of an ‘elite’ squad that will soon be sent to Twilight (scary fog) Cove to kill the things, protect the survivors and kill the evil, bald, makeup-wearing nerd named Strand with a demonic book that brought them into our world. They even bring along their pet clone Fester Jr., no not Billy Corgan, another Uncle Fester clone.

After a lot of movie watching I have concluded that more than anything else I want an ancient book that constantly whispers evil gibberish. Even if I can’t read the Canderian incantations I think that would rock so hard! However, I do have one thing to offer here, if you ever find yourself making a sweet movie (such as this) PLEASE remember that ancient texts should NOT look like they were printed on your new inkjet. Just a thought…

Wait I got an idea:

So, Resident Evil 4 ruled right? I will make a movie and all the music will sound just like RE4! Ya, you know that part where you fight a big monster in a lake, oh, the music was so perfect! I will put that in the movie for EVERY SINGLE ACTION MOMENT. Drew Maxwell beat me to it. He wrote, directed and composed the music for the movie, music that sounds in everyway like Resident Evil except for the main titles. That he took from Re-animator.

How about this, there was that really stellar knife fight between Leon S. Kennedy and Krauser, I would make that the final fight in my movie, how cool would that be!? Son of a bitch, Drew Maxwell beat me to it again!

All right, then there would be an ancient evil infection in the blood that if you got infected with it you would become an animalistic killer, much like the Las Plagas from RE4. Yep, Drew Maxwell got that one too. My man Drew is a definite fan of the video games, you know just like his (and mine) hero Uwe.

This movie doesn’t start so bad; it’s kinda like a semi-hot foreign chick. Spend some time with her and her snaggle tooth starts not looking so bad. Sure, you don’t understand half the shit she’s saying, but you ain’t listening because you’re staring at her hairy upper lip or maybe a massive hairy mole on her neck or something. But it’s all good; I mean she’s foreign right? And you’re thinking she’s pretty hot (or easy) and then you take her back to mom’s house and get her in the mood. You play some music, lower the lights and then pull down them lacey Hanes-her-ways and wouldn’t you know it she turns out to have an Egyptian Sun God Boner. You see this movie goes well for a while, not the best, but not pure crap. But then it just begins to aggravate the viewer. I am gonna hope that Drew Maxwell either wanted to intentionally piss me off with ungodly slow pacing and asstastical lameness, or he realized that his movie was only 30 minutes (of RE4 content) so he had to bleed it out a little more. That would explain the slow motion shots of A NAIL IN A PIECE OF WOOD. No, I’m serious; it’s in there, like someone actually nailed it in by hitting multiple times with a damn hammer! That’s hardcore, suck on that Bob Vila, you mucky bitch!

But all is not lost! At the very end of this bleak anal shaft of a movie, there is a twinkle of hope. After dispelling all the Buggies and mildly stabbing the evil Rob Halford look-a-like, the movie shifts again and takes on the spirit of Kirk Cameron with a Touched by an Angel sprinkle of Douchebaggery.

Witness for yourself… if you dare! Here is the dialogue with my translations included of course. I actually closed my eyes and imagined Meathead from Meatballs 2 saying it to me, it meant more that way.

Chick: Your team has done a great thing here. I’m sorry you lost one of your own in doing so.

[Can you say Martyrs?!?]

(Alex Pauses. Stares at nothing for a second like he sings for Creed)

Alex: You know, we could always use someone like you.

[Drink the flavor aid]

Chick: What for? You killed Strand and got rid of the creatures.

[Overcame the ice queen]

Alex: What you’ve seen is just the tip of the iceberg of what’s out there. Our work is never done. Just think about it.

[I went to a camp and they fixed me]

Chick: What should I say to people when they ask what happened here?

[I won’t say no to anything]

Alex: Whatever you want… no ones gonna believe you…

[Nice tits… for a girl. Snap!]

He’s talking about faith and hope! I get it now! We all have to pitch in and fight evil. DUDE this movie rocks in such a sweet virtuous way! Now the whole movie makes sense, it starts out great and then dies, then comes back from the dead…. Kinda like L. Ron Hubbard! Hells ya!

Drew Maxwell, truly you are the king of kings. Slow clap for you my friend, slow clap for you.

Why you should see this movie: It’s better than Transmorphers? No, I’m just joshin’ ya, it’s cat piss and after a case of Hamm’s you ain’t gonna tell the difference, so hook it up!

Why you shouldn’t see this movie: Because Capcom did it better the first time.

On the Uwe Boll-omiter, this movie gets a 6 (out of 10), it caused my veins in my arms to explode out and begin shooting BBQ sauce onto my walls. It wasn’t incredibly painful, but I got light headed and almost passed out. To be honest every time I start to pass out I get really turned on so it wasn’t totally bad.

6 degrees of Uwe:

1. Shannon Watson from Guardians had an uncredited walk on role in MIB 2 (hell ya that counts!) with David Cross
2. David was in Pootie Tang (BEST MOVIE EVER) with Jennifer Coolidge
3. Jennifer was in Austin Powers with the one and only Clint Howard!
4. Clint was in HOUSE OF THE DEAD by Uwe MFing Boll.

Suck on that!