Let me relay to you a special little conversation I had with my Left Nipple:

LeftNip: Ferguson my love, is this The Portal with Michael Madsen, Stacy Keach, and Roddy Piper?! Oh, how great the day, that sounds absolutely swell! Do I get to see one of them naked, or all of them nude piled up like a boar on top of a boar on top of an older hairier more wrinkled boar!

Ferg: …uh, well, no actually. This is an equally horrific display of a movie from Windchill Films.

LeftNip: Windchill Films, oh sweet, they made Candy Stripers and Séance, dude they got a new movie! Damn, is it me or is it getting cold in here?!

Ferg: oh, man, I’m sorry, but this thing… it ain’t like that, it’s more like an unconvincingly bad dream.

LeftNip: Yes? And is there twisting involved?

Ferg: oh, you dirty little… your so cute (and hairy), if only my tongue were longer…

MEANWHILE…

Let’s say you started to write a script and stopped. Have you perhaps found yourself stumped, well this movie has the answer to your writers block problem (the E.D. problem you have, well this will actually make it worse.)

LIGHTBULB MOMENT!

It’s simple really, just copy what you’ve already ‘written’ and YOU NOW HAVE TWICE THE SCRIPT! In fact why stop there? Do it again! Now you practically have a full movie and all you had to do was a little word perfect magic! Next we add some spice, and what says scary like FOGGY roads. Yes! Add a woman that in far too many ways resembles a brontosaurus. Double Plus! Don’t stop now, throw in our main ‘hero’ that gets to have lots of anonymous sex with (not) very hot (allegedly female) chicks! Ha, but now to the horror, they tricked you, he gets drugged by food laced with… uh, ashes? (Really?) Anyway he doesn’t remember any of the (not) hot sex and you don’t get to see it! True terror…

Our hero with the aid of a wisecracking (Steve Buscemi wannabe) sidekick get caught in HORRIBLE fog and must stop at a motel. Peculiarities ensue and they are unable to leave. No, they are not held against their will vacancy style, but rather, they can’t find their keys, or they fall asleep, because it’s been proven that bad acting causes forgetfulness and narcolepsy. HORRIBLE! Since they can’t remember (because of the ashes?) our truly outrageous guys relive the same night over and over. And Bronto-bitch has pregnant women in cages! Behind the terror is a bad toupee, a gay (sleeveless) boy and a transsexual (they claim it’s a women, I’ll challenge it to the Dundee test on that one). HORRIBLE! They are trying to get a baby to be born so the fog will go away, no really I watched it a couple times and I think that’s what’s going on. Well, maybe I’m mistaken and they were all doing this as a double-a therapy kind of thing to overcome personal demons and keep each other from drinking. They really should have stuck to drinking Everclear and huffing paint while weeping in a dim lit public bathroom.

Evil beings got you trapped in another dimension, easy, just whack ‘em 23 times with a stick (yes, I counted) and they die. Now that’s hardcore to the max. The only actual nudity we get is a chick with what appears to be a scar from sternum to stomach; perhaps she really is a dead body post autopsy. That gave the movie a glimmer of hope for a fleeting moment, but sadly was followed by Bronto-bitch summoning CGI flames that burned… well nothing actually. It was pretty dumb.

Alright, I really tried, but that’s it, I give up, if watching people read their lines and fear of death by boredom are your thing, then this flick is for you. The deaths are so incredibly lame and there are no attempts at anything remotely close to a scare anywhere here. You have to wonder, was this movie made to look like this or did they lose a dare? They actually have the nerve to used shaky cam in this movie. I’m convinced it happened purely from the large amounts of meth the director was doing while still convinced this movie was a good idea. The cast is a who’s who of absolute nobodies, unless you count soft-core porn and walk on soap opera roles, both of which I deny exist.

Why you shouldn’t see this movie:

It causes irreversible damage to your medulla oblongata and is not in any way enriched or fortified with anything close to vitamins or minerals, nor is it a part of a complete breakfast, lunch, dinner, or afternoon delight.

Why you should see this movie:

Ummmmm… well, the song as the credits roll was kinda cool, but then the dicks cut it short and played some lame-ass chick rock crap. No, you shouldn’t see this at all.

On the Uwe Boll-omiter this movie gets an 8 (out of 10, 1 being good and 10 causing nothing but pain), it didn’t kill me, but it tried! I bleed from my tear ducts (so that’s how Fulci did it!) and I literally crapped in my pants. It had little to no entertainment value of any kind.

Six (well actually less) degrees to Uwe!

Katherine Hawkes (who was scary without trying) was in Portal. She wrote, directed and stared in Immortally Yours with Daniel Goddard.
Daniel Goddard was in Stan Lee’s Lightspeed with the immortal Lee Majors.

Lee Majors was in Fate with Michael Paré.

Michael Paré, was in pretty much everything Uwe Boll has made, but I’ll go with SEED! That movie ate ass cock!

Next Week, Ferguson travels to another town full of… fog (fog is scary) and bad CGI (that’s scary too) with Guardians! (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0486592/)

If you happen to spot a movie that you haven’t seen and it looks just plain stupid. Perhaps you don’t quite dare to watch it, well just let me know and I will do my duty to check it out and report back just PM me on the Forums.

BRING THE PAIN!