Ferguson Takes One for the Team: Zombie: The Beginning

We have a submission! As the title of this article indicates, Ferguson is going to watch the worst of the worst... then report on it! Just want to say thanks to Fergie!

Zombi: La Creazione

AKA Zombie: the Beginning

Directed by Vincent Dawn… er, wait, what’s that, I mean the infamous Bruno Mattei! In fact this is his final film, this is his requiem that he graces us with posthumous. Why the alias? I haven’t a clue, maybe it’s the lack of soft-core sex scenes. This is the sequel to the equally amazing Island of the Living Dead, ya it said island, but what I saw was a Haunted House at the local theme park.

We begin our adventure with a backdrop of stock synthesized military themed music and the cliché southern helicopter pilot saying… “Roger, we spotted a shipwrecked person. We’re going to the rescue.”… And from there the dialogue continues to be natural and realistic.

You gotta give them credit for the fact that they actually procured a real helicopter for filming and didn’t attempt CGI.

Even though some of our esteemed actors are speaking English we get some amazing dubbing (in the Italian tradition), the effect of which is to cause your limbic system to explode with adulation!

Now, most reviewers will just simply say this is a complete rip-off of some obscure 80’s flick called Aliens, but that’s pure shit, this is all original baby!!

We jump directly into what is likely a true story of…

• A Dream (of a haunted house) within a Dream (of her being infected by a haunted

house)

• A confrence room full of suits cross examining our hero about her dead crew and the destruction of their ship called… wait for it… The Dark Star!
• 6 months later Paul Reiser, I mean Paul Barker comes to her from The Tyler Corporation and admits that they know her story is true because the team they sent in to check her story is now MISSING! She rejects the offer to go back to the planet, I mean haunted house, I mean island and he even gives her his card!!!!!

YOU CAN’T MAKE THIS UP!! PURE GOLD!!

• She goes home and dreams (of a haunted house) and goes to look in the mirror. We know where this is going. Quick! To the batcave!
• Marines… with tough chick wearing bandana, a smartass and yes we even get a cafeteria scene, sadly there are no robots involved. Not that I’ve seen that before, but I kept thinking robots would really take this to the next level, kinda like a cowbell.

Suddenly things change drastically and we get to watch some random shots from Crimson Tide! We are treated to scenes of submarines with great American actors such as Danny Nucci and Viggo Mortenson. (You think I’m making this up? You wish!) You may be incredulous and think that perhaps I speak of a movie that looks like similar. Oh, so naïve. No, in fact we are privileged to watch actual footage of Crimson Tide.

What follows for the remaining hour is some of the purest and unadulterated HORROR!

Moments where their guns fire with such tenacity that there is no muzzle flare. Where actors talk with such skill that you hear there words multiple seconds after they’ve spoken them.

There is an incredibly disturbing attack from a zombie midget with an eyeball growing from its head; all I can say is hide the children!

Zombie babies exploding from dead zombified mothers, or are they vampires, because, well they do have fangs, so I’m not sure it’s kind of a hybrid haunted house experience.

There was even this UBER INTENSE part where the marines go into the haunted house and the leader (with the main chick and some old Alzheimer’s guy that wandered onto the set and looks lost the whole damn time) stay back in the vehicle to monitor through cameras. While the zombies at the haunted house start jumping out and attacking them so the leader says “pull out!” but they don’t because there pinned down, and the chick starts yelling about “get them outta there” and so she goes and starts driving the VAN all crazy (by the way it’s a stick shift and she subscribes to the ‘if you can’t find ‘em, grind ‘em” school) to rescue the marines. Oh man, you just have to see it; I pissed in my bugle boys. It was awesome! A zombie even gets on the van and she throws it off and runs it over, Dude I am seriously still shaking just thinking about it! Undiluted Terror!

Let’s just say it goes on from there and trust me when I tell you that you won’t believe how far they take this thing. I can’t say it was a waste of time, I actually found myself laughing at their attempts at what can easily be called a remake.

So, Why you don’t need to see this movie…Well, to put it short, you already have.

Why you do need to see this movie… If watching Shakespeare done by hacks at a local park pavilion isn’t good enough for ya, then you need to see James Cameron done by the Salt Lake Community Theatre! Haazaa!!

This movie only gets a 4 (out of 10) on the Uwe Boll-omiter which only caused mild cramping and discoloration of stool.

It was pretty damn bad, but still entertaining.