Ferguson Takes One For The Team: Lesbian Vampire Killers

Ferguson Takes One For The Team Presents:

A Real Review?

Lesbian Vampire Killers

Well all be damned, color me surprised…

You see I was 100% ready to be wowed with stupidity and utterly unfunny (mad tv) jokes, but somehow this movie defied the odds and entertained me. This means there’s less for me to make fun of, but this works for you because you might actually want to see this one… and not because it’s complete shit.

So, how to begin…

I’ll be honest; the trailer was pretty damn lame. The jokes fell flat and the scenes they showed were pretty weak. Oddly enough, the clips from the preview were actually NOT a good representation of the movie as a whole. The jokes in the movie are well delivered and pretty funny, and while you can get a good sense of the story from the preview, they do throw in a lot of extra goofball stuff that really sells the whole thing. Plus there’s this whole hot foreign chick thing. You’ll for sure recognize MyAnna Buring from The Descent and Doomsday, but the rest of the cast aren’t too familiar (at least here in America that is); luckily they all do a good job. And most importantly, the chicks are hot. There is some really bad CGI to be found here, but it’s all done for laughs, so it actually works out and doesn’t anger you like a, oh I don’t know… a Will Smith movie.

We begin with a prologue that looks just like Dungeons and Dragons The Wrath of the Dragon God (ha ha, ya, I saw it, jealous?), but the humor steps in with the introduction of our two great heroes. Enter Jimmy and Fletch, name a character Fletch and good things should follow, right? Jimmy is unlucky with women and he gets dumped yet again. Fletch is the fat bumbling moron with a filthy mouth and somehow the two of them are chums. They decide to go hiking and we are off to an exceptional set-up. The creepy locals send them to stay the night at a cabin with four hot chicks. And a few boners later the vampire onslaught ensues. Throw in a Vigilant Vicar trying to stop the town’s ancient vampire curse before his daughter turns eighteen and will inevitably become a lesbian vampire, (you know how those crazy town curses can be) and you have a movie! Tried and true formula, I know, but why not? It ain’t broke. Of course people are gonna say that it is just trying to be another Shaun of the dead. And don’t get me wrong, it does feel a lot like that at first, but I will stop short of saying it’s a rip-off. It goes in a very different and more Evil Dead wannabe direction.

The main vamp queen has special mind powers and shoots Aqua-man like mind waves to throw things around, much like Dark City. However, in this movie it works, in Dark City it was the single most stupid thing I had ever witnessed and found myself actually saying aloud “what the hell?” in a theater half full of people. Wait, no I take that back, the Dark City mind waves were the worst until I saw the actual squid/ball sack aliens at the end. God, that was just pure dumbass short-bus moviemaking. There is also a TON of that speed-up/slow-down camera work from 300 all over the place in this movie. The director must have just figured out how to do that and thought if it looked cool 10 times, why not 100 times? Dope!

So as much as it owes to Zack Snyder, Edgar Wright, and Sam Raimi it actually all kinda succeeds. I found the humor to be funny, nothing was amazingly groundbreaking, but it works. The jokes are crude and all sexual in nature (another plus), but really are you expecting something mature and educational from the title? How many movies feature an action sequence as intense as watching a guy keep a vampire from attacking him by holding her back by her bare tits? Gnarly!

I would have thought that Lesbian Vampires in the woods would have frolicked in less clothing, but I guess I’m just old fashioned. I must have blinked and missed the country folk having sex with sheep, because I’m sure it’s there, but I guess I missed it. I mean come on, all the women in the town are lesbian vampires and I would think they would get some magical bareback man-on-man action, but with teeth like that, even cuzin Cletus ain’t tappin it. So, naturally they’d be helping some four-legged friends over the fence, but somehow I didn’t see it in the movie. Guess I’ll just wait for the directors cut, and you can bet I will be waiting.

The music for the movie starts as your standard Sleepy Hollow knock off, but it’s pretty competent and it doesn’t just exploit that one theme, in fact it adds some pretty good orchestrations, a can-can and definite Brian Tyler inspired action/hero themes (just think Children of Dune). The score owes much to Danny Elfman and Brian Tyler, but come on, in reality that’s actually a complement and that is how you get more jobs.

The movie never seems to take itself too serious. They knew exactly what kind of flick they were making from the beginning, a classic? Probably not, but well worth a watch, for sure. While it’s low on gore, there are some really funny kills and some pretty good lines. Surprisingly way less nudity than you would expect from a title like this, but then again Misty Mundae is nowhere to be found so that’s a plus. Sorry Misty, no offense, but Spiderbabe was the last good thing you did.

Hence:
Why you need to see this movie: it’s pretty damn funny, immature and quotable, and it features a mythic ‘cock-sword’, which is the only way to kill the vampire queen. Cheers!

Why you need to avoid this movie: well, the ‘rock’ songs featured in the movie and during the credits are just awful! Ya, that’s all I really didn’t like.

On the Uwe Boll-omiter this movie only barely registered with a 1 out of 10. It was funny and entertaining and did I mention the girls were hot. My neck ached a little bit, but nothing an aspirin didn’t fix.

6 Degrees to Uwe!

MyAnna Buring from Lesbian Vampire Killers was in Doomsday with Rhona (Lambert) Mitra

Rhona was naked and that’s about it in Hollow Man with Elisabeth Shue

Elisabeth was in Back to the Future part II with Billy Zane

Billy was in Bloodrayne by Uwe MFing Boll! Damn that felt good!

Sleep well you Princes of Douche…